Just the title should give you a clue here. This is going to be one of those blogs that may or may not be long, but has several points and is most likely going to be all over the place. (So don't say I didn't warn you, but I can at least say this... there is at least some useful stuff in here if you don't get too lost).
Aside from finally being taken seriously after years of dealing with whatever the hell this disease is (Badyl for now), having blood test after blood test (I've lost track how many vials and pages of results in the last 4 months alone), and finally finding a doctor who is determined to not only make me glow in the dark with the amount of imaging scans, but refuses to give up until she finds a diagnosis (insert HUGE sigh of relief here, especially when she calmly but confidently explained that my symptoms and lab reports all indicate conclusively that this falls squarely into the field of rheumatologist and she IS a rheumatologist, so that means she WILL find out what this is and WILL NOT give up on me), my anxiety has slowly started to creep up while oddly enough, my depression has stabilized. It's still pretty bad, but it hasn't gotten any lower. But I'll take it.
I've also reconnected with a few old friends and made a few awesome ones along the way through all of this. In addition, I've had plenty of time to think as a way to keep my mind off the fact that my body seems to hate me and have been slowly (and with no particular time or pattern) deleted people from my life. Kind of like how you "unfriend" someone on Facebook, except instead of just clicking a button on a computer screen, this is a bit more permanent. And I've begun to think about life goals. Short term and long term, but they're more generic than anything. Then I came across this oddly titled, funny (hysterical fits more than funny) little book--Let's Pretend This Never Happened. And things kind of changed.
Like anyone else, I've had my share of problems. From inner demons, family problems, problems with friends, and health problems. Some people get lucky and the worst health problems they ever deal with is the common cold or the occasional hellish flu. Or really bad allergies. The same thing can be said about inner demons, family problems, friends... it's all about perspective. But in reading her book, (which I'm still sore from laughing), I realized something else. Well, a few things actually. It's really all about perspective. Someone might feel that whatever they're going through is the worst thing in the world--like the world that they know is falling apart at the seams. Yet to you or me, we might see it as nothing or overreacting. We're not in that person's shoes and we have no right to judge them. I also learned that friends are one of life's most precious gifts and something to never be taken for granted. They don't hold grudges. They can (and are) brutally honest with you, are there when you need them the most (which goes both ways), and know the real you, but stick by your side anyway. (I'm leaving the family lesson out for several reasons.. that's a whole other blog)
I also learned that it's okay to be yourself. I've always been told that it doesn't matter what others think or say about you. I've tried to tell myself that, but I fail most of the time. Except after reading her book, I'm no longer afraid to be who I am. Flaws, illnesses, potty mouth, high intelligence, strong opinions, loud mouth, word vomit, screwed up sense of humor and all.
(As I'm convinced that there is a monster somewhere in or near my house. My hoodies, lighters, and plastic hampers have been disappearing, so the only thing I can think of is it's setting my hoodies on fire with my lighters, and dropping the flaming sweatshirts into the stolen hampers). I live in a state full of Superfund sites, rumored to have at least one monster roaming around in a dense forest, but living in the middle of the woods and all that are constantly being torn down for "pop & fresh" condo developments, parking lots, Wal-Marts (because everyone knows Wal-Mart just HAS to build a damn store every 10 miles) and strip malls, I wouldn't rule anything out... especially since the area in general has a statistically higher than average inbreeding rate (not quite as high as say.. West Virginia, but compared to other areas, it's still higher than normal). And ironically? This once very rural area is now being destroyed because wealthy city dwellers have lost their appetite for suburbia hell and want to move out into the country, but don't want to leave behind the conveniences of city and country living. The dumbasses. But before I go off on several angry tangents and tirades about them, I'll just end it here. And try to figure out which book to read next... So many choices.
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