Green-Eyed Monster

    No, I'm not referring to myself with that title.  At least not right now.  I'd like to say I'm sorry if my blog last night came across a bit harsh or whiny, but I'm not.  Things haven't been exactly easy lately, and everyone begins to crack sooner or later.  Granted, it wasn't a complete melt down, nor was it even close to one, but it was at least a glimpse into what goes on behind the curtain when pain levels get too high, nothing seems to help, and there are still far too many questions that have yet to be answered.  And based on my dog's recent clingy behavior, I know it's not me being over dramatic or crying for attention because if you've ever owned a dog in your life, you'd know that dogs sense when something is wrong.  (As she's once again curled up right up against me instead of her usual spot at the bottom of my bed after having stolen all of my most comfortable blankets.  And yes, as I've tried to move a bit away from her to get comfortable, she shifts closer to me, so I'm pretty much pinned and contorted in the corner of my room, so either she still senses something's wrong, or she's trying to torture me because I have no idea what she ate, but damn, does this little chunker have some serious gas!)
         Not too long ago, someone actually had the ignorance and gall to call me a whiny, self entitled, crybaby who was jealous of what other people had that I didn't.  (In reference to material items and wealth).  Fair warning-- I am intentionally leaving out any form of politics, taxes, etc here and will delete any comments starting a debate or opinions on the topic.  After I stopped laughing, considering the source and how that person knew I was raised, I got to thinking....  Besides the fact that I have never and will never have that self entitled "because you owe it to me, that's why" attitude, I was raised to earn what I wanted.  Yes, just like most people, I can get whiny, and may cross that crybaby line, but really, other than the Pollyanna, Prozac poster people, who doesn't sometimes?  Having a positive attitude is never a bad thing.  I try to find either an upside, silver lining, or some kind of humour in just about everything, no matter how hard it is.  It's those people who walk around with giant smiles on their faces, never acknowledging a single bad thing EVER, and have enough pep and positive energy of--say--all of Rhode Island's high schools' cheerleaders combined 24/7/365 that kind of freak me out.  No one is ever THAT happy.  Unless their either out of their flipping minds or heavily medicated.  But I digress.  Back to the jealousy thing.
    I realized that I am kind of jealous of some people.  But not because of their money or the nice things they own.  Because of their health.  And no, I'm not jealous of all healthy people.  I'm jealous of those people who take the fact that they ARE healthy for granted and abuse the hell out of themselves on a regular basis.  I won't get into the whole preachy, life's too short, you never know when your time is up, etc etc etc speech, but most people don't realize just how lucky they are to have their health.  I see friends taking care of themselves, eating healthy, exercising, and actually living life because they don't take anything they have for granted.  I see it in others, too.  I admire people like that.  It's those that are essentially slowly killing themselves simply because they can that I'm jealous of.  They eat like crap, schedule their social lives around television programming, spend hours a day playing video games, computer games, social networking, pretty much just letting one day at a time go by without ever actually living.  Why?  Because they can.  Because they take for granted that they're actually healthy enough to do things some of us can't.  No, I'm not saying to put the fast food cheeseburger, take out Chinese food, bag of potato chips down right now and start training for a marathon.  (Although I would LOVE to be given that opportunity, or even the opportunity to be able to run 3-5 miles like I used to again)
    It's just easy to take the obvious for granted.  The little things we don't think about.  At least until we don't have them anymore. I admit that I'm jealous of those people who have these opportunities and just pass them up assuming that there will always be time later.  (Again, not talking about death here, just talking about that infamous "later") We never actually stop to think that we'll actually get sick with something that a doctor can't fix.  Those are things that happen to other people.  We get colds, the flu, that awful stomach bug.  Minor stuff that goes away and we carry on with life.  We kinda plan for the bad (but not really), but don't expect it to happen.  I was just as guilty.  And even before I got to this point, I was still just as guilty because hey, crap like this happens to other people, and even though I couldn't work, doesn't mean I couldn't learn my limits and find something I could do because I was in my 20s and had time on my side, right?  Oops.  So yes, even though I feel like I'm in hell most of the time and yes, I know it could be a LOT worse (and try not to think about or dwell on either), I do admit that yes, I am jealous--but not of materialistic things like money, or shiny new stuff, or a place of my own, but of something more intangible--something stronger--something invisible--being able to take being healthy for granted.