Technically, it's still autumn for a little less than a month, but as Thanksgiving passed, the winter season has started. The autumn candles have been stored away, while in their place are the evergreen and frosted cranberry candles. The grass is almost dead outside while the leaves are all off the trees, giving everything a dreary, empty, dead look. It starts to get dark around 4pm, with sunset about a half hour later and it's hard to imagine that soon enough everything will be blanketed in garland, lights, and snow.
This Thanksgiving was a tough one. I haven't seen my family in almost a year since they live about an hour away and my car door of all things broke just as we were leaving for Easter. It's funny how time seems to escape us. I can't believe how big my nieces are getting (though I do see them about 6 times a year if I'm lucky), how small and frail my grandmother looks, yet how much still hasn't changed over the years. Yes, my family has grown as my cousins and brother are married and having children, but sometimes it feels like we are all worlds apart. My dad spent his Thanksgiving with his roommate having their own turkey dinner. Earlier that morning I received a text from him wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving and telling me he loves me. The day just felt empty somehow without him. I can count on one hand how many times he's told me he loved me and it just didn't feel right without him there. I'm just thankful my mother and I made it through the day.
I did learn a few things, though, and am making choices so that I can at least try to find some kind of peace in my life. Family or not, "friends" or not, I am no longer going to expend energy to those in my life who are only into themselves and cannot even bother to try to consider how their actions affect people other than themselves. I simply can't do it anymore. We all make our choices in life and our actions have consequences. In this case, I just stopped caring about those who can't be bothered to give me or my feelings a second thought.
People in general have saddened and disappointed me lately. Thanksgiving was traditionally a holiday to celebrate family and give thanks for what you have in your life. (I'll leave out my thoughts about the history of the holiday here...) Now it's about meeting up, gobbling down too much food, catching up on life between mouthfuls of turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and pie before rushing out the door to line up outside Walmart, other big name chain stores, or the local mall to save a few dollars on more crap we really don't need. Have a 40" television? Not good enough if Walmart is selling a 50" or 60" for a few dollars left. Xbox? Why not have the latest version, even if the one sitting on your shelf is only a year old? I've read reports of people being bitten over sheets, shot over parking spaces, and pepper sprayed over electronics. And this was just in the last 24 hours. Nothing is that important. At least materialistic crap isn't. Especially when you take into consideration that 3/4 of Walmart's workforce is on public assistance because they're not paid enough to live without it.
So I spent the day decorating. My nephew was here last weekend and wanted to start putting up some decorations we had and I finished up his projects as per his instructions and finished most of the decorating outside. It's too nice of a weekend to be shoved around in a crowded mall or big name store. Sadly, most of the light strands were ruined in one way or another, so I have to go out later and buy a few to finish up the lights. So for now, the Pointsettias are out, the garland is hung, and my Charlie Brown tree is ready for the season. I did most of my shopping last week online with exception of my parents. So it's a matter of waiting for them to show up in my mailbox. Simple, effective, and all I have to do is wrap them as they come in. No driving all over the place going in and out of stores hoping to find what I'm looking for without coming home covered in bruises by rude people, no stress, and it gives me time to focus on what's really important--taking care of everything else. So now I just wait for it to start snowing...
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Seasonal Clean-up
So it's that time of year where all day, everyday until the ground freezes until spring, the sounds of leaf blowers can be heard just about everywhere in the neighborhood. I can't thank my one neighbor enough for blowing the leaves out of my front yards (and part of the back). I'm just over a month after surgery and I'm still not even allowed back to school. Stir crazy is an understatement. Especially when I look around and see hundreds of things that have to be done around here, most of which my mother can't do, but I can when I feel up to it. These include larger repairs and yard work. And it got the best of me today.
I decided on Friday that I would do a little bit at a time outside all week to clean up the messes around the yard, put away the spring and summer decorations, clean off the back deck to ready it for winter, and finish cleaning off the front porch. It's not where everything was disgustingly messy or overly cluttered, but enough that I knew it was there and my mother knew it was there. It bothered us both. Today's task was to just sweep off the back deck of all the leaves and cover the grill for the winter. (Cleaning THAT monster out in the spring is a task I'm just going to forget about until then... it's been over a year and the grease and sauce that's spilled all over the bottom cause it to literally catch on fire just lighting it.) Naturally, I didn't just stop there. Even knowing I had all week.
Everytime I'd turn around, I'd see "just one more quick thing to cross off the list." Almost 5 hours later, everything is cleaned and packed away, I started the firepit to burn the cardboard and paper, put up a few little Christmas decorations that were already out and would be easy to overlook (like the fake pointsettias in the flower boxes on the back deck, my Charlie Brown tree's ornament, and the little vases hanging next to the front door)... and I'm paying for it. And I already know I'm going to pay for it tomorrow too, as I have another homework marathon planned.
Even though it was physically challenging and exhausting, the mental and emotional side were just as tough. I discovered this past spring that fresh air, loud music through my iPod, and plenty of outside projects to do, including decorating, make for not just a pretty good workout, but a pretty good mental and emotional release. This time was a bit different. Yes, I did some decorating, with a lot more to come after Thanksgiving, but it just had an odd quality to it that I didn't expect. As I'm putting flower pots, beach toys, gardening and yard tools, and decorations into the shed until at least next year, it almost felt like I was packing more than just a few yard things away. It felt like I was getting rid of a very long chapter or a lifetime away. Even cleaning up the trash felt like I was picking up and throwing away everything I knew about life the last several years. I think it was while I put the last of the decorations away was when it hit me. My dad's not here anymore. No, he didn't die, but he just decided he's unhappy, life sucks, so he just left everything behind, save a few uniforms and his hunting gear. And there's no rhyme or reason behind it. My mother and I are struggling to keep things together and put things back together while he's out there with a brand new wardrobe, a fancy coffee maker, and absolutely no responsibility besides his job. Whereas he used to do the crap work around the house and yard (either my mother and I usually ended up doing repairs around the house, except the furnace and major electrical), that's my job now.
It still hasn't really sunk in yet. Days like today it hits home. No pun intended, but he left for whatever reason and I'm the one who has to step into his shoes to fill the void. Not that I haven't been doing a lot of his work long before he left, but I found myself relieved when we were thrown a crumb as he did something. It was one less thing I knew I had to figure out how to do. It's also times like today when I realize that I'm in my 30s, living with my sick mother to help her out with things she can't do like drive, heavy lifting, cleaning when she can't, cooking (although most of the time I just order out because I have no desire to do dishes, or I forgot to take something out earlier to cook), errands, stuff like that. I also haven't worked in almost 9 years because I'm too sick to keep a job, something too many people mistake for laziness. Getting a job is the easy part. I'm a qualified (but not certified) mechanic with plenty of experience, worked all through high school and into my early 20s as a florist, I'm good at computers, secretarial, and dispatch work, but employers usually want someone that can and will work everytime and every hour their employees are scheduled. Sadly, I can't do that. There's days when even the smallest of things hurt like hell. Things most of us take for granted (including me when I have even one good day). The water pressure from a shower becomes unbearably painful, the lightest of clothes feel too heavy and hurt. Hell, even my hair hurts on days like that. Those are days I try to do what I can, even if it's just a tiny little bit, but those are the days I spend reading more than anything else, but those would also be the days that making it to work is impossible. I can say that I'm trying everything to make sure that those bad days are further apart if I can, but right now, it's still not under control. Stress and certain foods are relatively easy things to control--stress, not so easy, but doable (if that's even a word) that I know cause pain, regular sleep and light exercise, especially yoga, help to an extent, but I can't do anything about the weather and other external factors. There are several medications on the market (excluding narcotic pain medications) that have claimed to help, but not a single one has helped.
I've also been trying to put myself back through college while I'm living here. After I moved out of my apartment a few years ago, my mom asked me to move back home. Not only can I try to save money, but I'd be a big help to her. I also figured out that it would take me at least 6 (now I'm looking at 7) years to finish from an Associates degree to a Master's degree and knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help others with life changing illnesses or injuries learn how to cope and rebuild their lives. All doctors care about are taking care of symptoms, but there isn't much help out there to deal with the mental and emotional upheaval something like those cause. But that's another story. I never thought I'd be this old, back living at home, I never in a million years thought my mom would ever get as sick as she is, requiring so many surgeries (excluding needing an organ transplant, which means another surgery and more medication when one becomes available), and be unable to do half of what she used to do. For as long as I can remember, she always worked, was always there for my brother and I, always did all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the house, and just always had energy to do whatever she wanted or whatever we needed. She was our driver for sports, a referee when my brother and I got into fights, the family shrink and peacekeeper after my Babci passed away, she was a rock. My father always had his hobbies, his job, and the outside work was always done. And it all fell apart. And all the two of us can do is take things one day at a time for now because we have no idea what the future is going to bring. That's the scariest part of all.
I decided on Friday that I would do a little bit at a time outside all week to clean up the messes around the yard, put away the spring and summer decorations, clean off the back deck to ready it for winter, and finish cleaning off the front porch. It's not where everything was disgustingly messy or overly cluttered, but enough that I knew it was there and my mother knew it was there. It bothered us both. Today's task was to just sweep off the back deck of all the leaves and cover the grill for the winter. (Cleaning THAT monster out in the spring is a task I'm just going to forget about until then... it's been over a year and the grease and sauce that's spilled all over the bottom cause it to literally catch on fire just lighting it.) Naturally, I didn't just stop there. Even knowing I had all week.
Everytime I'd turn around, I'd see "just one more quick thing to cross off the list." Almost 5 hours later, everything is cleaned and packed away, I started the firepit to burn the cardboard and paper, put up a few little Christmas decorations that were already out and would be easy to overlook (like the fake pointsettias in the flower boxes on the back deck, my Charlie Brown tree's ornament, and the little vases hanging next to the front door)... and I'm paying for it. And I already know I'm going to pay for it tomorrow too, as I have another homework marathon planned.
Even though it was physically challenging and exhausting, the mental and emotional side were just as tough. I discovered this past spring that fresh air, loud music through my iPod, and plenty of outside projects to do, including decorating, make for not just a pretty good workout, but a pretty good mental and emotional release. This time was a bit different. Yes, I did some decorating, with a lot more to come after Thanksgiving, but it just had an odd quality to it that I didn't expect. As I'm putting flower pots, beach toys, gardening and yard tools, and decorations into the shed until at least next year, it almost felt like I was packing more than just a few yard things away. It felt like I was getting rid of a very long chapter or a lifetime away. Even cleaning up the trash felt like I was picking up and throwing away everything I knew about life the last several years. I think it was while I put the last of the decorations away was when it hit me. My dad's not here anymore. No, he didn't die, but he just decided he's unhappy, life sucks, so he just left everything behind, save a few uniforms and his hunting gear. And there's no rhyme or reason behind it. My mother and I are struggling to keep things together and put things back together while he's out there with a brand new wardrobe, a fancy coffee maker, and absolutely no responsibility besides his job. Whereas he used to do the crap work around the house and yard (either my mother and I usually ended up doing repairs around the house, except the furnace and major electrical), that's my job now.
It still hasn't really sunk in yet. Days like today it hits home. No pun intended, but he left for whatever reason and I'm the one who has to step into his shoes to fill the void. Not that I haven't been doing a lot of his work long before he left, but I found myself relieved when we were thrown a crumb as he did something. It was one less thing I knew I had to figure out how to do. It's also times like today when I realize that I'm in my 30s, living with my sick mother to help her out with things she can't do like drive, heavy lifting, cleaning when she can't, cooking (although most of the time I just order out because I have no desire to do dishes, or I forgot to take something out earlier to cook), errands, stuff like that. I also haven't worked in almost 9 years because I'm too sick to keep a job, something too many people mistake for laziness. Getting a job is the easy part. I'm a qualified (but not certified) mechanic with plenty of experience, worked all through high school and into my early 20s as a florist, I'm good at computers, secretarial, and dispatch work, but employers usually want someone that can and will work everytime and every hour their employees are scheduled. Sadly, I can't do that. There's days when even the smallest of things hurt like hell. Things most of us take for granted (including me when I have even one good day). The water pressure from a shower becomes unbearably painful, the lightest of clothes feel too heavy and hurt. Hell, even my hair hurts on days like that. Those are days I try to do what I can, even if it's just a tiny little bit, but those are the days I spend reading more than anything else, but those would also be the days that making it to work is impossible. I can say that I'm trying everything to make sure that those bad days are further apart if I can, but right now, it's still not under control. Stress and certain foods are relatively easy things to control--stress, not so easy, but doable (if that's even a word) that I know cause pain, regular sleep and light exercise, especially yoga, help to an extent, but I can't do anything about the weather and other external factors. There are several medications on the market (excluding narcotic pain medications) that have claimed to help, but not a single one has helped.
I've also been trying to put myself back through college while I'm living here. After I moved out of my apartment a few years ago, my mom asked me to move back home. Not only can I try to save money, but I'd be a big help to her. I also figured out that it would take me at least 6 (now I'm looking at 7) years to finish from an Associates degree to a Master's degree and knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help others with life changing illnesses or injuries learn how to cope and rebuild their lives. All doctors care about are taking care of symptoms, but there isn't much help out there to deal with the mental and emotional upheaval something like those cause. But that's another story. I never thought I'd be this old, back living at home, I never in a million years thought my mom would ever get as sick as she is, requiring so many surgeries (excluding needing an organ transplant, which means another surgery and more medication when one becomes available), and be unable to do half of what she used to do. For as long as I can remember, she always worked, was always there for my brother and I, always did all the cooking, cleaning, and shopping for the house, and just always had energy to do whatever she wanted or whatever we needed. She was our driver for sports, a referee when my brother and I got into fights, the family shrink and peacekeeper after my Babci passed away, she was a rock. My father always had his hobbies, his job, and the outside work was always done. And it all fell apart. And all the two of us can do is take things one day at a time for now because we have no idea what the future is going to bring. That's the scariest part of all.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Frozen in Fall
So yes, it's been awhile. (It shows a post on 18 October, but I don't remember posting anything last month.) I shouldn't be surprised at the memory lapse, though. The entire month of October seemed to be one giant blur, with days blending into days, blending into weeks until it came time to take my sis to the airport. While I miss her already and am glad she made it home safe, I do admit that a small part of me is thankful to have my room and privacy back. There's nothing like spending a month on the couch in the living room, with your mother in the next room at night, your sis down in your room, and nothing but the hamster to keep you company at night. Not that she's much company, I've literally listened to her running in her wheel for 5-8 hours on end, with only a handful of few second stops to either grab a drink, piece of food, or when she lost her ribbon. I am sorry that it's too cold to bring her outside now, since she does love it when I take the bottom of her cage off and let her run around on the front lawn. I wanted to bring her out a few weeks ago after my brother mowed the lawn (which I am incredibly grateful for), but it was still too chilly and damp.
I'm surprised any of us survived the month. I'm almost completely off crutches by now, but have to use a cane. (at least this one isn't as hideous as the last, but still.. I'm in my 30s having to walk around with a cane) Between being stuck on the couch for a month with what was literally a front row seat to everything that went on and percocet, I'd say "bitchy" was a bit of an understatement at times. I'd spend days arguing over the television (both my mom and my sis are Food Network junkies and hate isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about that channel and 99.9% of it's shows. Halloween Wars was kinda cool, but that was about it), listening to my parakeets fighting almost incessantly all day, every day, and what seemed like just constant noise. I did however accidentally train the furry little demon to bark first to warn the 'keets, then pounce on their cage if they didn't stop fighting. I even cursed out a neighbor one Saturday morning. I thought it was a different neighbor who likes to do obnoxious things at odd hours of the day and night (in this case, setting off firecrackers at 10am on a Saturday morning). Turns out it was another neighbor training his dogs for hunting season. Every year, he starts out by letting them get used to the sound of gunshot by firing off a starter's pistol. It sounded the same to me, but the exchange got ugly. In the end, everything turned out fine.
Even with a month that went by entirely too fast, I'm still trying to deal with all that's happened. Hopefully I'll be back on campus either next week or the following week. I've been trying to keep up with the work when I can (in other words, when I'm not on pain medication) and my professors are fine with that. I'm registered for the spring semester already and found out that unless something should happen, I will finish my degree in the spring of 2013. A year later than expected, but it will be done. Then it's on to graduate school. I'm trying to make as many payments as possible now on my school loans to pay them down and pay the interest as I go along, but I wish I could pay more each month.
This past month brought a lot of serious changes and being stuck on the couch, a lot of internal reflection. Two family members died within a week of each other--one was another uncle, the other a great aunt. I'm still learning more about how sick my grandmother is, making sure that my mother has the help and support she needs as she needs yet another surgery, with another sometime in the future to fix nerve damage from her shoulder catheter. To say I feel overwhelmed would be an understatement. Even when I do not need pain medication, even motrin, I'm finding myself unable to do much because I just don't know where or how to start. The good thing about being busy is you don't have time to process all that is happening. The downside is when things start to calm down, it's not like when things happen, they happen at different times, sometimes even weeks apart, but it hits you all at once.
It's easy to say to just take things a day at a time, even when it's the only thing you CAN do, but another thing to try to do so. With so much happening and so much to do, it's easy to shut down. I'll be the first to admit that my longtime friend depression is not only still around, but it seems to be choking me with it's black cloud lately. Everything seems to either make me cry, or I swing to the opposite end to keep from crying and lash out at anything and anyone. But for now, I'm looking for and clinging to even the tiniest bit of goodness that I find. Whether it's slowly mending fences with those with whom I've had falling outs with (even if I have no idea why), to earning As on all of my schoolwork, to the small things people around me are doing to help. Sometimes, that's all you can do. I don't have all the answers, don't pretend to, and I sure as hell have no idea what is really going on most of the time with people who say one thing, but act in a completely different way. Lately, I guess the best way to put it is I just feel frozen in some kind of vortex with no real way out. I believe everyone, no matter how hurtful and destructive they are, deserve at least a little bit of happiness and peace. I also believe in atoning for your own mistakes, starting with admitting you made them. I've made my fair share of mistakes and I'm slowly working on making up for them. I just want peace. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask for. 11 years ago, while on her death bed, my great grandmother made me promise that no matter what I chose to do in life to be happy. And I'm trying. Everything takes time.
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