Growing Pains

     I can't think of a single person that I've met who has had a perfect childhood and life.  Everyone faces their own set of challenges, hurdles, and expectations.  What I don't understand is that small percent of people who act like irresponsible, cowardly scumbags and use the excuse of their past.  "My mommy was mean and daddy loved me too much"  So then that person goes around manipulating people, throwing hair pulling tantrums, acts like a self entitled loser and blames everything that happens, including his/her own screw ups on that.  "My mommy died when I was 18, daddy is an drunk, and I never really got the chance to live like they do on 90210 (because apparently, that's how kids really live in high school)."  So they go out, do what they want, when they want, doesn't matter who gets hurt, what kind of attention is received as long as it's attention, and something that happened eons ago is to blame for it.  "My brother was a drug addict and trouble maker when I was growing up, so my parents spent all their time and energy on him."  So that entitles this person to lie, cheat, steal, cry, and blame everything on everyone else, since having such a rough childhood entitles them to zero accountability.  "Mommy was mean and daddy didn't care."  My personal favorite.  Do what you want, when you want, how you want, and when things get tough--just run away and hide in the nearest bottle of whiskey.  People will understand when they finally pull their head out of their ass and act like a grown up.  

      I swear, Freud would have a field day if he peeked into the childhoods of some of these losers.  Yet what I don't understand is this--how many people have survived their own versions of hell growing up, their own trials in life and still have the capacity to act like decent human beings?  What is it about that small group of people who feel so self-entitled, blameless, and just overall scum seem to think that because a few bad things happened, they aren't accountable for what they do?  It's called life.  Not everyone is dealt a winning hand, some worse than others, but at some point, people need to learn how to grow up, take responsibility for their own actions, face reality, and actually try being decent human beings who don't hide behind a few bad things that happened to them.  I almost feel sorry for those people.  Just not sorry enough to want them anywhere near me.  I may not have been dealt a stellar hand, but I do what I can to improve my life.  And I will never purposely crush, hurt, humiliate, or otherwise use another person to get where I want.  A little hard work and humility can go a very long way.

Zen Garden

     So my life has been anything but a Zen Garden as of late, but just those two words bring to mind peace, tranquility, stability, and calm.  It hasn't been without irony and humour, though.  It seems ever since my ortho informed me that I have no other option but to have another knee surgery, little to no exercise for 2 weeks, followed by very light exercise, stretching, and just take it easy overall considering my first chance to fix the stupid thing is in December I have been doing just about anything but.  I'm still working on cleaning out and re-organizing the house, doing my typical obsessive perfectionism when it comes to my school work, and running in every direction seemingly at the same time.  

     Somehow (and I'm not even going to question it, but simply go with it), my brother, sister-in-law, and I are speaking to each other again, I've gotten rid of more people in my life who bring nothing but negativity to it, and somehow managed to keep what little sanity I have left in tact. 

     On a humorous note, my previous ex seems to find that his "mental state" and life of hell are all my fault.  Keep in mind that this was the same guy who swooped in a week after my ex of 3 and a half years ended our relationship in an EMAIL on facebook, promised me everything under the sun, but neglected to tell me that while he was sending me gifts, telling me how much he loves me and is there for me, he was trying to patch things up with his legally separated, soon-to-be ex wife AND had a serious girlfriend back home.  He also ended our relationship in an email, telling me how sorry he was, how horrible and wretched hurting me made him feel, and even alluded that suicide was his only option to end the pain.  Naturally, I was worried sick about him since no one knew where he was and he wasn't answering his cell phone.  So, I made a few phone calls afraid he made good on his threat of suicide, got in touch with his commanding officer, and sent a copy of the email as requested to make sure he was okay.  Then he got mad at ME because he got in trouble.  It gets funnier from there... his girlfriend emailed me her phone number and proceeded to explain that they had been together for almost a year, how serious they were, and that he told her I was just a "crazy friend" who only thought there was something between us.  Then his wife found out just before he went home on leave.  Naturally, I talked to his wife after a friend of mine saw fit to tell her about what he was up to and he got the door slammed in the face treatment.  About 2 weeks ago, he emails me out of the blue, telling me how much he loves me, how sorry he is, how beautiful I am, how much I do and always will mean to him, how his girlfriend was a very abusive bitch, but he'll never be able to trust me again.  I'm still confused about that last part considering I lied about nothing and the only thing I did wrong was put my trust (again) in the wrong guy.  A few days ago, he emails my friend to let me know that it's my fault his life has gone to hell.  Maybe it's a guy thing, since my ex is still blaming me for things that go wrong.  Maybe my logic is just illogical.  They lie, cheat, steal, break up in an email (which is about as cowardly as it gets), then I'm to blame when the big K catches up to them and they're miserable.  Really?  With logic like theirs, the only thing to do is laugh.  But, I will do one thing I was accused of--so Kevin?  Yes, part of this blog is about you since I've already been accused of spreading your personal business, I may as well.  And I know I can and deserve MUCH better than the cowardly nutcase you are.  And so can your ex-wife.  And I hope she finds it after the hell you put her through.

Thunder Rolls

     As much as I try not to figure out why people do what they do, it has always been my curious obsession with the human race.  Why do some people face problems in life head on, while others choose to bury their heads like ostriches?  Why do some go out of their way to help others, regardless of the personal cost, while others seem to go out of their way to hurt those around them?  Is it a problem with ignorance, fear, or is there literally something wrong in their brains that make them who and what they are and why they do what they do?  

    The past is not something to be ignored like it never happened nor is it something to dwell in, live in, and spend years trying to change it or relive it.  I suppose it's easier for some to go back to what they know rather than face the unknown.  Life doesn't come with a set of rules, regulations, and it certainly doesn't come with a future-telling crystal ball with an instruction manual.  Some things blindside us, leaving us with that just kicked in the gut feeling, while other things leave us speechless because they're so amazingly wonderful.

     It takes a special kind of cowardice to pull some of the stunts I've seen people pull in the recent past.  It also takes a special kind of strength to stand up and face it.  No one has all the answers, but sometimes it's pretty easy to tell who to avoid when looking for solutions.  And sometimes there are no answers but to stand back and take the punches as they come.  Plans are always a good thing, but because life is so unpredictable, the best course is to take things as they come.  

     I'm tired of feeling like I've been kicked in the gut at every turn.  But I am grateful for those few in my life with whom I probably wouldn't be standing here today if it wasn't for them.  Disappointment has got to be the worst feeling in the world.  Just as with every other storm, this too shall pass.

Frustration

     So I fell about 3 weeks ago going to give the dog a treat.  I stepped the wrong way and my knee gave out.  Again.  So it was swollen and bruised for almost a week and I knew it was time to call the Ortho.  Again.  The past few days I can barely climb the steps in my front yard to get to my car.  It has felt like there is no cushioning at all throughout the entire joint.  I JUST had surgery for torn menisuces (sp?) just under 2 years ago.  Even with the complications following, physical therapy, etc etc etc, it's never been the same.  I expected the usual drill this morning/afternoon--careful what you do, it's just arthritis aggravated by twisting it, blah blah blah.  After a 10 minute examination of the knee I was far from prepared for what I heard.  I need surgery--again.  Even without an MRI (which my wonderful insurance company refuses to cover because the knee was "fixed" 2 years ago and I've had 3 MRIs before and after surgery, deeming it "unnecessary" it became very clear that once again, I tore the meniscus at the very least.  One day into the semester and already there's a problem.  I'm going to work closely with my surgeon to try to put off the now required surgery until May.  After the school year is over.  This means a very strict diet, very restricted exercise, cortisone injections, anti-inflammatory patches, and for the next two weeks I am to remain in an immobilizer using crutches during waking hours.  The next 24-48 hours to stay off my feet as much as possible.  It's only been 5 hours and I'm climbing the walls.  Getting in and out of my car with that stupid contraption on my leg is almost impossible and trying to go to the bathroom is in itself a comedic series of just plain insanity.  

     Contrary to popular belief, even with the chronic illnesses I have, I do NOT "lay on my ass in bed all day, every day popping pain killers like candy crying 'why me' and collecting government money that others have paid into."  No, I can't work right now, but I do a helluva lot during the course of a day and week.  Very little time is spent in my bed as it's spent not only trying one thing after another to feel better, but taking care of others and their problems.  Besides that, I EARNED my checks.  I have paid into the system since I was 12 years old.  And I am doing everything in my power and then some to return to the workforce as soon as I can.  Got a problem with who I am, what I do, and what I say, you can take your perfect prozac life, your inaccurate, idle gossip and shove it so far up your arses you choke on it.  

     So yes, I'm frustrated.  And angry.  I've been busting my butt trying to start over in a new career and every damned semester there's been one (or more) huge thing after another that's tried to keep me from continuing.  First semester:  cluster headaches; Second semester: Lyme Disease--again.  Third semester was a medical screw up and Lyme Disease (yes, again).  Third semester was dealing with an abusive scumbag while my bigger scumbag of a boyfriend was deployed, a screwed up knee requiring surgery months earlier than scheduled, complications that kept me off campus for 8 weeks instead of 1/2, my mother ended up in the hospital again because her kidneys had finally shut down, and my fourth and final semester was spent still dealing with a knee (as I was given another cortisone injection a week before graduation.  Not one "easy" semester.  Hell, the easy part was the work.  My first year at a 4 year school wasn't without problems.  My scumbag ex gave me Epstein-Barr which caused not only extreme fatigue and pain, but kept my liver from functioning even close to what it should.  So 4 beers, 1 shot and 9 hours later, I'm freaking out in an emergency room in bumblefuck nowhere with butchers trying to close a gaping wound in what was my good knee.  Combined with EBV, I was forced to withdraw.  A wicked winter causing near crippling arthritis in combination with an as yet diagnosed EBV forced a withdrawal from 3 out of 6 courses in the spring.  This semester?  A blown out knee and surgery looming over the horizon.  

     I try to find the positive side regardless of what's going on, but seriously, there's only so much a person can take at a time.  And I will never be one of those Prozac people--smile, laugh, refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong while sweeping the bad under the rug.  I've found the best way to deal is to admit yes, there's a problem, find an upside to it, decide what, if anything can be done to fix it, and go from there.  I've survived this long and made it this far and there isn't a chance in hell another obstacle is going to stand in my way, regardless of how frustratingly huge it is. 

Almost Fall

   Yep, it's that time of year again--leaves are starting to change, cooler (if not outright cold) temperatures at night, scents of cinnamon, pumpkin, apples, and mums.  And, of course, return to school.  This semester isn't looking too stressful overall.  My online class doesn't start until the middle of next month, I've never had a problem handling any of my psychology courses and this one doesn't look to be any different, and then there's my final English course--Prose.  Not just reading and analyzing it, but actual creative writing workshops.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit nervous.  First of all, I am one of only two non-English majors in the course.  Secondly, I haven't written anything in over 15 years that wasn't a research or analytical paper.  I do have a few things going for me, though.  I couldn't have asked for better English teachers in high school (at least two of them were great) who not only helped me express my creativity, but taught me the essentials of composition and grammar.  I also consider myself a pretty creative person.  More often than not my stumbling block has been finding a way to express that creativity in a way that the meaning/thoughts/images in my mind are conveyed as I see them.  This should be interesting to say the least.