As usual, things have been a bit chaotic. I've had multiple tests, retests, medications adjusted, changed, stopped, and started. I finally broke down and saw a pulmonary specialist. Luckily, the initial tests, although panic inducing, came back looking pretty good. The doctor did order a blood test unlike one I've never had before and I should be seeing those results when I return to the practice--now that I can reschedule the follow up appointment. After 4 months, I FINALLY got my car back after a major meltdown. The good news is, the repairs were not nearly as expensive as I feared and I had the money put aside to fix it. Unfortunately, there are still a few things left to fix, but my car is safe to drive. I also have to schedule other follow up appointments that have been put on hold because of my car. With exception of my rheumatologist, everything was put on hold; part of it was because the car I was borrowing wasn't comfortable to drive, but the bigger reason was to make sure that I did not accrue any debt until I knew what I owed in repair bills.
Not having a car for a few months proved to be a good thing. It gave me time to think. Over the last few years a lot around the house has been left unattended and let go. Small repairs fell by the wayside, some of the rooms that we use for storage were left to pile up with "stuff." The tough, thorough cleaning didn't get done as often as it used to. So I created list. Room by room, I wrote down the repairs that needed to be done, the overhauling required, etc. And I took that list a step further and broke it down into small, manageable tasks in such a way to ensure that they would get done. I figured I'd start in the worst room that needed the most work--the storage room. We've had Christmas decorations packed up in that room for the past 2 years and there was 4' of junk from one side to the other, except for a few inches in front of the doorway. The bottom of the closet was destroyed, insulation torn apart, light bulbs blown out. Over the last 2 and a half months, nine contractor bags full of trash (now ten), several boxes for donation and counting, and then there was today--starting to fix the closet wall.
In theory, it shouldn't have been too difficult. My mother and I decided to go with a spray insulation instead of buying an entire roll of it. We weren't certain it would work, but worst case scenario, it was a failure and we had to buy a roll of insulation. It sounded insane, but we had several cans of it laying around from another project last fall, so what the hell? Who knew the most difficult project would be in cutting out what was left of the cedar lining on the bottom of the closet. A razor/box cutter didn't work. The cedar paneling was too thick and entirely too hard. A hand saw did not work because the teeth, while almost sharp enough, did not provide enough space to work with, nor did it provide the right angle in which to saw. The Sawzall was missing, so that left the circular saw. Yes, I am fully aware they are generally supposed to be used on vertical surfaces, but unless that cedar could be cut down, no work was going to be done. That's when the real problem began. I've noticed that the biologic I was put on has helped tremendously with joint stiffness and swelling on everything but my hands. The more I use my hands, the more they swell and the stiffer they become. But I was not expecting to have difficulty in using something as easy as that saw. It's quite simple, really, use one finger to push the safety in, another finger to push the trigger, while the other hand grips the guide. Except my hands and fingers were so swollen, stiff, and WEAK that it was extremely difficult to operate the saw, regardless of which hand I used. (I'm ambidextrous.)
I did finally get the job done, including removing the sheetrock and the insulation (which is curing), but it forced me to take a step back and look at what I've been doing and how long I've been doing it. When my hands act up, or begin to "fail," I never realized until today that I compensate by using other muscle groups to accomplish the task at hand. It's a power saw. I've already had to accept that I can no longer be a mechanic, which I still struggle with sometimes. I cannot work. I'm still too sick to return to school. I cannot sit around the house all day reading or watching television. I'm trying to keep myself physically busy as my body permits to take care of what I can, yet I found myself struggling with a basic power saw. There's no other muscle groups to use to get around fingers that won't work. I'll continue over the next several months to finish off my list, but at this rate of degeneration, I honestly don't know how to adapt, deal, or even think about could mean for the future. It's not like a leg, or an arm, or my spine... it's my hands. Maybe RA was taken off the table a little too soon.
