Coming Up Daisies

So it's been a little while longer than I expected.  I've had both computers down for seemingly incessant updates and I'm still not finished updating my personal computer.  Since I last wrote, I've adopted a pair of parakeets, my evil hamster murdered another one of her sisters, and was finally able to plant roses in one of the gardens outside.  Granted, they're fake, but they still look beautiful where they are.  I found some amazing trellis roses, but my mother is allergic to all roses, so I can't have any.  I'll eventually find something to grow in the planters by the driveway that mom's not allergic to and that will survive living in the planters.  I have also used the time offline to continue to rebuild my life and make more serious changes that I know I have to for my own mental health.  There aren't many people left I would consider friends, fewer I would proudly call family, and some I just won't admit knowing at all.  I've learned in the past few years that not only are some people just not worth the pain and stress over, but it's one thing to help someone with their problems, another to take care of them.  I'm no longer taking care of other peoples' problems while my own plate is overflowing.  That's not to say I have intentions of not helping anyone out.  I've learned the hard way that I HAVE to take a step back from being referee, babysitter, negotiator, shrink, and especially doormat.  It's an easy philosophy, but a difficult follow through.  Hurt me, use me, or anything else negative, you can find another punching bag.  I'm done dealing with liars, hypocrites, and other lowlife traits.  It doesn't mean, however, that I don't forgive people for the things they've done.  I have and I do, but there's no place in my life for negative or fake people.  

     I have also started a new workout regime.  I would admit that this current round of Lyme Disease is kicking my arse, but I'm doing as much as I can to improve myself without further compromising my body.  My goal is to start running again by the end of the summer.  The first goal is to use the tools I was given in physical therapy to strengthen my knees and back and go from there.  Now that I'm finally back on the losing side of the weight battle, it will no doubt become a bit easier as time goes on.  It's a small start, but it's still a step in the right direction.  And I will gladly take it.

Weeding

It's been awhile.  Partly because it's been a pretty rough week.  Lyme Disease (again) + unstable weather= hell.  It's quite a vicious circle, really.  The more pain I'm in, the less I want to be up and moving, the worst my sleep gets, and the less I move, the less I sleep, the more pain I'm in.  Not to mention stress just intensifies everything.  So I decided that at the very least, I'll stretch twice a day, watch what I eat (which lately is hardly anything), and attempt aromatherapy.  I've used lavendar to help calm down in the past, but I figured I'd try something new.  Eucalyptus Spearmint.  I will admit complete and total failure.  Not only does the smell make me extremely nauseous, I'm allergic to the lotion.  At least one of my friends is going to benefit from it--she loves the smell and is getting all of it.  I think I'll stick to lavendar. 

     Aside from that nauseous, itchy lesson this week, I also started thinking about the people who've been through my life.  Very few are still there, but they've more than shown they deserve to be and I can't be any luckier to have them.  Others who are gone had me thinking about people in general.  Especially the last few.  Everyone has the capability to hurt others.  Very few it seems choose to try not to hurt others, at least intentionally.  Entirely too many use that capability to inflict pain and suffering on others for a variety of selfish reasons.  And to that end, I will never understand.  I've met those who prefer talking with their fists (or anything they can use as a weapon), those who aren't capable of honesty and integrity no matter how much is on the line, and those who seem to only care about their own wants and satisfaction.  People don't exactly walk around wearing signs that they don't deserve the name human.  They come in all shapes, sizes, races, etc.  The hard part is figuring out who is worth trusting and who isn't.  To not trust anyone but those already in your life is an easy escape, but it doesn't allow room to let anyone else in.  The plus side of that is at least the ones you know and trust have proven that they won't hurt you on purpose.  On the other hand, you can miss out on the chance to meet more amazing people.  That's more or less where I am.  How do you trust people when the last few you've let in the door have done every possible thing to tear you apart? 

After the Rain

"...face down in the dirt, she says 'this doesn't hurt!' she says 'I've finally had enough...."

     I think it just about sums it up.  I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life.  I've owned up to and paid for every single one.  And I will continue to make mistakes, as I am a human being.  Show me one person--just one--who has never made a mistake and I've got a bridge to sell you.  As I sit here in bed, feeling like absolute death, I reflect on the past few years--and the wide path of destruction from them.  I spent almost 3 and a half years in an abusive relationship before I finally had the courage to leave, only to fall into an age old trap--falling into and for the first kind words that came along.  Except that's all they were.  Words.  The truth is, after reality hit, it hurt like hell.  And I'm left with some serious decisions to make in my life.  The last good decision I made was almost four years ago when I decided to return to school.  I'm not talking about what to wear in the morning, or when to go to sleep kind of decisions.  I'm talking life altering, course changing decisions.  Somewhere in those four years, I have dug myself into such a hole, it almost seems impossible to climb out of.  

     So, instead of trying to wing it day by day, I have 12 weeks off before semester resumes.  In that time, I'm going to take the time to recenter myself.  I've already accepted certain realities, one of which there is no climbing straight up out of the hole I dug for myself.  It doesn't mean, however, that there aren't alternate exits.  The key to finding them is to find myself.  I've lived for so many people for so long now, I don't remember how to live for myself.  The biggest stumbling block is to internalize that it is not selfish to do so.  

     Now that the latest storm has passed and the ground is perfect for renewal, I'm choosing to take the next few days to clear out the dust and the ruin, while I turn toward the sun to begin to grow again.  There are many decisions that I have to make, and to make for my life.  It's time to start over.  Right now, I am too sick to fight, too tired.  At least I am standing on my own.  And that is a start.

Tears and Rain

"...How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.  How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning.  I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain...
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear."

Everyday we are forced to make choices, whether small choices like whether to go grocery shopping and what to buy, or life altering choices.  Sometimes those choices are brought to us by the help of someone else.  I met a wonderful, sweet, caring, attentive man several months ago.  He was not the typical know what to say/when to say and how to act to get your attention.  He just did.  I have recently found out that the man that I met, the man I let into my life, was the complete opposite of who he seemed to be.  I knew he was going through a divorce and he gave no indication that he and his wife really ever spoke.  I listened to him insult her, tell me stories to back up his reasons for divorce, and even listened to disheartened conversations about men he served with and their complete disregard for their families back home.  Then I learned the truth:  he wanted to reconcile with his wife, has another girlfriend near his parents house, and lied about their entire marriage.  Now I am hated for doing nothing more than trusting and falling for someone who seemed real.  And am left to make serious, life changing decisions after my encounter with him.  Truth is, I never saw any of this coming.  I forgive him for the pain and hurt he has caused, the pain he has put me through.  To not do so is to hang on to entirely too many negative emotions.  I also hope he forgives me for whatever he feels I have done that was so wretched, I became the enemy.  And yet, finding out everything I have about him in the past few days, forgiveness was not just the only option, but I feel sorry for him.  Any man who uses and hurts women in order to validate themselves needs to stop and take a long, hard look in the mirror and his life and find out why the only way to be happy is to hurt others.  Somewhere in his mind he will find a true picture of himself the way Dorian Gray did.  It certainly won't be pretty, but it is something that only he can do.  And so, come tomorrow morning, a new day begins, and I finally take the long overdue time to take a look at my life and myself and figure out what comes next.  

If a Tree Falls...

     If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it still make a sound?  What becomes that tree?  What about the trees surrounding it?  Eventually, the fallen tree will become one with our Earth.  It will become covered with moss and cobwebs, insects will make homes out of its bark. Maybe a squirrel or other small animal build a home in it.  Then it just becomes part of the scenery, breaking down until one would barely notice it was ever there.  Some trees around it might get scarred, cut, or lose a few branches as their neighbor falls to the earth.  New branches may sprout from the ends of the ones stripped away, while bark will reform and recover most of the cuts and scars so that no one will ever notice the damage to it.  

     Is it a cheesy metaphor?  Most likely, but it is a reminder of life.  Sometimes others fall around us, taking us down with them.  Then sometimes we become injured, scarred, as they fall.  Sometimes there is warning, such as a storm, a windy day, or weeks of floods.  Other times, it comes without warning, tearing our lives apart.  The hardest part is to get right back on our feet, re-rooting our feet in the earth.  This past few days has taught me to do just that.  I met someone many months ago through a mutual friend.  She introduced us online.  After a time, something began to blossom between us.  I questioned things that didn't make sense to me and was always given answers that made sense.  We spent an amazing weekend together that nothing will erase.  What was erased, however, was the kind, patient, loving, wonderful man I got to know.  In its place is a cold, calculating, selfish monster.  What started out as plans for an amazing weekend before he went home for a month turned into an all out, upside down turning, tornado crashing through my life.  Suddenly, I am deleted from his life--literally-- and find out that he was falling for another woman closer to his permanent home.  All the time it took to build up trust, to learn about each other, and to fall hopelessly in love was undone in under 12 hours.  I realized that I had no idea who he really is.  So, like the fallen tree and its damaged surroundings, it is time to leave those memories where they are and move forward.  It would be a lie to say this situation hasn't brought me to my knees.  It has also forced me to stop, take stock in my life, and make decisions that will affect the rest of my life.  And no one heard the screams that my heart and soul let out.  Like the fallen tree, I will never be the same, but something better will grow out of all of this.  I've stopped trying to wrap my head around what happened and why.  I also refuse to blame myself, as I did right as often as I could.  I was honest (to which he was not), forgiving (to which he isn't), and know in that short span of time, I gave everything I had.  Now to wash it behind me and search through the dense, dark woods for that ray of sunlight to regrow.

Water

Water is the single most powerful and destructive force in nature.  It has the ability to seep through cracks and get into places the eye cannot even see.  It can take down entire buildings, level cities, and depending on the season, controls how well the crops we grow and eat.  Water also has a very light side.  It is used in Blessings in the form of holy water, used in showers and bath tubs to clean ourselves, and just being near a body of water: a lake, pond, sea, river, or ocean has a very calming effect.  That is part of why I have a 30 gallon fish tank in my bedroom.  Even with one fish, it has a very calming effect.  

    Another form of water comes from within us.  Over two thirds of the human body is water.  Among all of this water are tears.  Tears serve many purposes, from function, to an emotional release.  I will not get into the function of tears, how they keep our eyes moist, can clear them from debris, and other such functions.  The most commonly recognized of tears are those that come from the result of emotion.  Two weeks ago I cried on a Monday morning while curled up in bed with someone I love.  While there were a few snags and misfortunes, the weekend had been the most incredible I could ever remember having.  He went into a panic thinking that he had done something wrong.  I couldn't speak, but later explained it was just how overwhelmed I was that I had finally found somebody I felt safe with, someone I fit with, and someone who loved me as much as I loved him.  Then two days ago, the tears came for a different reason.  This "perfect man" I had met, trusted, and fallen hard for was leaving.  Just like that.  I still don't know what I did to push him away like that and loathe me so much to tear my heart and soul to shreds.  I almost feel like I'm going to wake up and find this was all a dream.   Emotionally released tears help do just that--relieve us of our burdening emotions.  They literally become an outlet.  So now on top of being physically ill, once again, I have been torn apart.  And I blame myself for letting it happen.  He still has and most likely always have what is left of my heart after having had it put back together so many times.  I just hope one day he remembers those feelings and returns. 

Lilies

Just over eleven years ago, while at the side of her hospital bed, my Babci asked me to promise to do one thing:  be happy in my life.  Two days later, that strong, awesome, inspiring role model passed away from pancreatic cancer.  Within two weeks, I had her favourite flower: a Casablanca Lily, tattooed on the inside of my wrist of a constant reminder of a promise made to a much loved, dying woman.  A day doesn't go by that she doesn't cross my mind and I remember that promise.  When you're barely out of your teenage years, you don't think anything is too difficult.  There is always a solution to whatever problem life throws at you.  And at that age, we believe we are capable of anything.  Yet, eleven years later, now in my 30s, I find that not everything is as easy as it seems.  One promise:  be happy in my life.  It doesn't sound too difficult a promise to keep.  At least in theory.  

        Truth is, I'm still figuring out how.  Nice clothes, newer car, a staggering collection of shoes and purses, and reinventing myself and look every few months barely scratches the surface.  Sure, they're great.  For a little while, I find myself not just happy, but fortunate to be able to go buy silly little superficial items.  But physical, tangible things are not keys to lasting happiness.  So then what is? For starters, I have a very small, close-knit group of friends that are the most amazing people I have ever met and feel truly blessed to have in my life.  And on occasion, one from years ago pops back in just to say hello.  I have never lost my passion for reading, art (even though I have been unable to draw anything in several years), music, and knowledge.  I made the choice to return to school.  It has added to and complemented my two strongest assets:  my intelligence and my desire to help people.  Even though my health is that constant questionmark on this journey, if I am able to help only one person, the work, discipline, research, and tenacity have more than paid off any college debt.  But I'm not there yet. 

      Over the last year, I have grown and changed more than any other time of my life.  I've stopped caring about what someone thinks of me, especially when they don't even know me.  I've survived another abusive relationship and faced a stone cold fact:  this was my pattern.  Finding a date after high school was never difficult, but it is one thing to know something, quite a different thing to hear someone say it to you and understand it.  Never again will I allow myself to be in another abusive relationship, whether it be friend, family, or partner.  Everyone deserves better than that.  So, when I started talking to someone several months ago, my mind said no.  I was still trying to escape one nightmare and was not about to step into the possibility of another one.  I built solid wall after solid wall after solid wall up to keep others out, just so that I did not get hurt.   On our first date, those walls simply collapsed.  I fell.  And hard.  And I have no problems admitting how much it scares me.  Unfortunately, he seems to be "that guy."  You know the one with all these amazing things to say, girlfriends all over the country receiving sweet messages and gifts.  That guy.  Just as I began to find my footing, have a general plan, and leave myself wide open and vulnerable to this amazing person, I find out he's one of "them."  After reading a very upsetting email last night and sharing it with a friend, s/he confirmed what I was afraid of:  it sounded like a suicide note.  A final good bye.  So after having no sleep, busting my hand punching a steel door in frustration, what can only be described of as heart and gut wrenching tears, vomiting for what seemed eternity, I called in a favor to make sure he was okay.  I still love him, but even if I didn't, I was not about to take the chance that it was over forever before it ever truly began.  Now I'm back at square one wondering what is it about me that if "whichever man I choose will be the luckiest and happiest man ever" that they seek out something better?  

    So, as I stare down at all the cuts, bruises, and scars I try to find he answer.  And how to be happy in my life.  After all, I have a promise to keep.  And have never broken one before, and never will.  The Casablanca will never let me forget, either.