Tears and Rain

"...How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.  How I wish I had screamed out loud, Instead I've found no meaning.  I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain, All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray. I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain...
How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear."

Everyday we are forced to make choices, whether small choices like whether to go grocery shopping and what to buy, or life altering choices.  Sometimes those choices are brought to us by the help of someone else.  I met a wonderful, sweet, caring, attentive man several months ago.  He was not the typical know what to say/when to say and how to act to get your attention.  He just did.  I have recently found out that the man that I met, the man I let into my life, was the complete opposite of who he seemed to be.  I knew he was going through a divorce and he gave no indication that he and his wife really ever spoke.  I listened to him insult her, tell me stories to back up his reasons for divorce, and even listened to disheartened conversations about men he served with and their complete disregard for their families back home.  Then I learned the truth:  he wanted to reconcile with his wife, has another girlfriend near his parents house, and lied about their entire marriage.  Now I am hated for doing nothing more than trusting and falling for someone who seemed real.  And am left to make serious, life changing decisions after my encounter with him.  Truth is, I never saw any of this coming.  I forgive him for the pain and hurt he has caused, the pain he has put me through.  To not do so is to hang on to entirely too many negative emotions.  I also hope he forgives me for whatever he feels I have done that was so wretched, I became the enemy.  And yet, finding out everything I have about him in the past few days, forgiveness was not just the only option, but I feel sorry for him.  Any man who uses and hurts women in order to validate themselves needs to stop and take a long, hard look in the mirror and his life and find out why the only way to be happy is to hurt others.  Somewhere in his mind he will find a true picture of himself the way Dorian Gray did.  It certainly won't be pretty, but it is something that only he can do.  And so, come tomorrow morning, a new day begins, and I finally take the long overdue time to take a look at my life and myself and figure out what comes next.