After the Rain

"...face down in the dirt, she says 'this doesn't hurt!' she says 'I've finally had enough...."

     I think it just about sums it up.  I've made more than my fair share of mistakes in my life.  I've owned up to and paid for every single one.  And I will continue to make mistakes, as I am a human being.  Show me one person--just one--who has never made a mistake and I've got a bridge to sell you.  As I sit here in bed, feeling like absolute death, I reflect on the past few years--and the wide path of destruction from them.  I spent almost 3 and a half years in an abusive relationship before I finally had the courage to leave, only to fall into an age old trap--falling into and for the first kind words that came along.  Except that's all they were.  Words.  The truth is, after reality hit, it hurt like hell.  And I'm left with some serious decisions to make in my life.  The last good decision I made was almost four years ago when I decided to return to school.  I'm not talking about what to wear in the morning, or when to go to sleep kind of decisions.  I'm talking life altering, course changing decisions.  Somewhere in those four years, I have dug myself into such a hole, it almost seems impossible to climb out of.  

     So, instead of trying to wing it day by day, I have 12 weeks off before semester resumes.  In that time, I'm going to take the time to recenter myself.  I've already accepted certain realities, one of which there is no climbing straight up out of the hole I dug for myself.  It doesn't mean, however, that there aren't alternate exits.  The key to finding them is to find myself.  I've lived for so many people for so long now, I don't remember how to live for myself.  The biggest stumbling block is to internalize that it is not selfish to do so.  

     Now that the latest storm has passed and the ground is perfect for renewal, I'm choosing to take the next few days to clear out the dust and the ruin, while I turn toward the sun to begin to grow again.  There are many decisions that I have to make, and to make for my life.  It's time to start over.  Right now, I am too sick to fight, too tired.  At least I am standing on my own.  And that is a start.