I Think When I Was Warned to Avoid Injury it Wasn't A Challenge

    Other than my blog, sometimes I think I should walk around with one of those mini spy cams and talk to myself throughout the day.  I just can't make this stuff up.  My life would just blow any reality show or sitcom right out of the water.  (And may get me arrested if I actually said out loud most of the time some of the things I was thinking...)  I'm still getting used to the whole serious life changes/adjustment thing.  Not to mention laughing hysterically at the whole "avoid injury" warning that comes with having to take a pretty high dose of Imuran.  I mean, you know it's bad when not only your primary doctor (and her staff) laugh at you and ask how well does your rheumatologist really know you, but your pharmacist has the same reaction when he's giving you the required first consult.  That's pretty much a giant red flag telling you: a) you're screwed, b) you should start looking online for one of those ginormous inflatable hamster balls for humans, or c) put the ambulance AND your hospital of choice on speed dial.  Because getting hurt is pretty much second nature to me.  It's not like I wake up in the morning and say to myself "hey!  This looks like the perfect day to injure myself!"  It just.. well.. happens.  A lot.  And unless I have no other choice, well, I avoid hospitals and doctors' offices.  Yes, they are professionals who have probably heard it all (or close to it), but let's face it. when it comes to injuries, I've found some pretty creative ways to hurt myself by accident.
    For example (and this is just one):  the first time I was supposed to go horseback riding, I was at my then fiance's father's farm for the weekend in the late fall.  It was a few hundred acres, surrounded by woods. He and his father had to take care of some chores, so I figured I'd go wandering through the woods to get some great pictures before my lessons, no big deal, right?  Then I found a beautiful doe up the path a way.  She knew I was there, but wasn't running away.  I decided I wanted to climb a tree to get a better picture.  Up the V shaped tree I went, hanging my camera on a branch above me.  I grew up climbing trees, so it wasn't like I didn't know what I was doing.. until my leg slipped.  And I got stuck.  Upside down with my thigh stuck in the V.  For 2 hours.  Of course my cell phone was back at the house, they were cutting up tree trunks with chain saws, so they couldn't hear me and my leg began to swell. As if to add insult to injury?  The doe came right up to me--as I hung helpless, upside down.  She stood less than half an inch from my face for what seemed like forever before she sauntered off (probably laughing at me).  Me?  I did eventually get myself unstuck, but not before I managed to bruise the inside of my thigh from my knee all the way up to.. well.. you know. 
   Then there was the time I was changing the brake pads on my old car.  The caliper bolt was stuck, the guy I was seeing at the time was offering to help me, but I had done the job so many times before (and I'm stubborn like that), I refused to let him help me.  Suddenly, the bolt came loose.  So did the wrench.  And considering I was using my entire body to loosen it when it gave, I ended up smashing my face into the car's fender, not only leaving a good sized dent, I almost gave myself a concussion.  After the stars cleared from my vision, I looked up to see that I was flat on my back with him out of swinging distance, laughing his ass off at me.  I'm sure it looked pretty funny..
    Those are just 2 instances as to how gifted I am.  Then today happened.  I mentioned yesterday about my car's door.  Good news?  I didn't melt anything.  Bad news?  It doesn't always want to close.  It requires me using a screwdriver to play with the latch and slamming it a few times, while hoping my mother is far enough out of the way so that I don't hit her.  (Because THAT'S not asking for a way for me to get hurt, right?) Hopefully, it'll be fixed by the end of this week.  So, for now, My mom gets to be driven around like Miss Daisy because after 3 times of dealing with the door and tempting fate, I'm not touching that handle until it's fixed.  But the day gets better!! Did I also mention the part about avoiding germs as much as possible, too?  Yeah.  I'm supposed to try to avoid germs too while on Imuran.
     It turns out my dog doesn't like the rain.  And when we get pouring rain like we did at the end of last week, she does her business on our sidewalk and front deck to avoid the rain.  (Easy enough to avoid, but still... looks like my dad will be out there with bleach and a hose, unless I can find a HazMat suit).  Her other gift?  She loves to get tangled in the bushes in front of the house.  Which would be fine, since most of the time she's smart enough to either untangle herself, or follow directions to untangle herself.  Not today!  She has either chewed back most of the bottom branches of the bushes, or broken them off (sharp pointy things!! Not good for me!)  Another thing?  Ticks are really bad this year and Lyme Disease as well as other tick born illnesses are off the charts.  So naturally she's playing stupid as I'm trying to avoid dog crap and pull her leash while avoiding going near the bushes.  As if to add insult to injury to my morning--did I mention it's still not even 11am yet?  Oh.  Yeah.  It's not even 11am yet.  There's obviously a hornet's nest nearby as I'm noticing the black and white predators slowly buzzing about.  And I'm not talking just one or two... In less than 5 minutes, I've spotted at least 6.  And there's just soooo many ways one tangled dog in a bush surrounded by sharp, broken branches, near ticks, in front of a porch that has dog crap on it, obviously near a hornet's nest can go wrong when the person trying to unstick the dog is not supposed to be exposed to germs OR get hurt.  Oh yeah.. and my dog LOVES to dig holes.. so going out in the yard also means dodging more mutt patties and holes bigger than the 50lb mutt herself.  Add that to the car with the door that doesn't want to stay shut (and the transmission that acted up again until I called the mechanic--of course). I had to have my mother get the dog because I finally lost it.  I couldn't stop laughing.  My rheumatologist tells me I need to try to avoid germs and I HAVE to avoid situations where I can get hurt (obviously injuries are going to happen, but some can be avoided--maybe), but since I was told to avoid getting hurt, I have found myself in more situations that can land me in an ER without even trying.  This disease will never kill me.  The treatment certainly won't.  But that warning?  That warning will.  Tell the world's biggest klutz to avoid injury and it's like the cosmos and every God and Goddess are laying out every possible trap just to see what happens.  It's the only logical explanation I can think of.  Friday?  My dog fell down the stairs while I was at the bottom, sending five- 1 gallon water jugs flying at me.  She ran up the stairs at my mom, slammed head first into the doorway, and bounced backwards.  How does that happen?
       This is the kind of stuff you see on television sitcoms, or read in books.  Not real life.  Yet, there it is.  Again.  And again in my life.  Why?  Because it's my life. I just can't make this up if I tried.  And this is the kind of stuff that happens to me all. the. time.  Like they don't already know I don't need help finding a way to hurt myself.  I have plenty of scars to prove it.  Not to mention the arthritis from all the broken bones...