Life is funny. And hard. And scary as hell. And it doesn't always go the way you want it to. I had plans, and backup plans, and back up plans for the backup plans. And somehow, it all went to hell anyway. It wasn't anything I did. It was taken out of my control. But how I handled it all was in my control. I admit that there's some things I could have handled better, but fear has a funny way of skewing things. So does anger. And now? Now comes some of the hardest changes, hardest decisions because there are a lot of unknowns coming. And with unknowns come fear.
I had to make the choice this week about returning to school in the upcoming fall semester. Most of me wanted to. I finally received a diagnosis, I started treatment last week, and well, I was told by an administrator that I couldn't do it because I was sick. And that chronic illness and education couldn't be balanced because the end result never works out well. And I've always been the type of person that if you tell me I can't do something because of who I am, I'll do it to prove you wrong out of spite. I'm just that stubborn and determined. By not returning, I felt like I would be admitting failure, and admitting that the administrator was right. Except I know he's not. The truth is, I have to make some serious lifestyle changes. I also don't know how the new medication is going to affect me, if it's going to work, or if I'm going to have to change treatments mid-semester. I also don't know how I'm going to respond to treatment--if I'm going to feel any better, what to expect... anything. And, of course, adjusting emotionally and physically to this "new life." I decided that after four semester attempts that ended in either full or partial medical withdrawals before taking a leave of absence, I would remain on leave. It was far from an easy decision. School gives me something to do than rattle around the house coming up with a million and one projects--stuff that has to be fixed, ideas to redecorate or update, stupid arguments with mom.... I interact with other people, stimulate my brain in different and challenging settings...I miss it. Not to mention that it's a serious goal of mine. I want a Master's Degree. I'm over halfway towards a Bachelor's Degree. I know I may never be able to work, but it's a goal I intend to finish. I just know I need the extra few months to adjust to the transition without the added stress of homework and dealing with a university that doesn't understand how to accommodate a student with a chronic illness--especially an autoimmune disease.
I can say this about my choice. It sucked. It was hard. And while I know I made the right decision, it doesn't make it any easier. I guess this is just one of many difficult choices I have to start making from now on. It doesn't mean that I can't reach my goals, but it means that many of my goals are going to be like my life thus far: full of detours, speed bumps, road blocks, and scenic routes.
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