I have never backed down from a fight in my life. I have, however, walked away from one, but there were extenuating circumstances. I didn't care how much I could have gotten hurt or suffered (which I did and still am), other people that I love would have gotten hurt and suffered more. Not to mention there were children involved. And unlike some people who use children as pawns and shields, I will not do anything to intentionally hurt a child. So I walked away. Obviously, this was not a physical fight, but sometimes verbal and emotional fights leave wounds that never fully heal or leave scars that are far deeper than any physical fight ever could. I have also never lost a fight, physical or otherwise. No, I'm not abusive, but when someone starts a fight with me, or I find something worth fighting for, I don't back down. I may not always see the results I want, but something positive always comes out of it in addition to a learning experience on all sides involved. My disease is, and will always be no different.
Early last semester, I was once again facing a medical withdrawal as the worst flare ever set in. I assumed it was Lyme Disease or Epstein-Barr along with Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with FMS a decade ago when I was too sick to continue to work, followed by 9 positive diagnoses of Lyme, and at least once with EBV, and for several weeks, the symptoms fit. I was also under incredible stress, so it made sense. I was already familiar with my university's disabilities office, so I spoke to the director to find out what my options were. Several of my professors had no problem with me keeping up from home, but others weren't as supportive. One I understood because it was a workshop type class in which my classmates reviewed my work and gave constructive criticism (I understood completely). Another was a short, online class the professor was completely unprepared and unorganized. The texts weren't ordered until 2 days AFTER the start of the class, the syllabus wasn't available until the day after the class started and changed every day, the professor was never available to answer questions, so I withdrew from the course, considering I had 6 weeks to write four 10 page papers, read 7 books, half a text book, write another 6 essays, answer 12 online forum questions and respond to two other students for each question. (The forums? I had 24 hours to answer the question once it was posted and 12 hours to respond to two other students before the individual forum closed). That allowed no time as my illness got worse and less time to keep up with my other courses. So I spoke to a student Dean about what was happening. It wasn't my first partial medical leave, so I didn't see a problem.
What came out of his mouth turned my blood cold. Students with chronic illness generally have to choose between their health or their education. In the Dean's experience, when a chronically ill student tries to juggle both, it never ends well. Never. Ends. Well. While my attendance backs his statement up, my grades and awards to date prove him wrong. The difference between my previous college and this university is in the way the student laws and campus policy is written. Before I received my Associates Degrees (Yes, I dual majored and graduated with not one, but TWO in 2 years), as long as I had a doctor's note or medical proof for every class that I missed, kept in contact with my professors, and proved that I was keeping up from home, nothing could be done about my attendance. (Basically, a professor could not punish me for missing classes if I had a valid medical reason and showed that I was keeping up with the work, and met the class objective. He or she could not lower my grade, or kick me out of class--and neither could the college). This university is a bit different. I have to have my doctor's provide proper documentation, including what accommodations are required, what my illness is, how it was diagnosed, how it is being treated, what is being done about it to keep it under control--everything--before the university can decide if my required accommodations are reasonable and if they can be done. Did I mention that this university also carries a pretty hefty tuition bill? But the paperwork was turned in, filled out properly, and I went out on a leave of absence. With 2 people to keep in contact until I received a diagnosis, started treatment, and figured out when I will be returning. (Which is still unknown right now).
Then I receive a letter in the mail today from the university. I am on academic probation. With a 3.96 GPA. Complete with a message that if I am having trouble with my courses, health, or at home, I can contact the tutoring center, counseling services (all calls are confidential, of course), or disability services so that the university can extend any and all help they can so that I can become a successful alumni. That letter had better be a computer glitch. It is in their system, on file (both computer and paper--in SEVERAL offices, including that ignorant, prejudiced, discriminating asshole) about my disability. And now I'm on academic probation for a 3.96 GPA?
I can't recall a single time in my life that I haven't had to fight like hell or work my ass off for what I wanted. When I decided to return to college, I knew it would be challenging. I wasn't a kid anymore, I had several chronic illnesses (even though it turns out I have only one, but it's worse than those several combined), and a chronically sick parent. I knew when I finished (not if), I may never be able to work, but earning a graduate's degree is a goal of mine. If I was going to succeed, I was going to have to work harder and fight for it. I was going to have to fight against myself because my body is fighting against itself. I might have to fight against other students because I'm sick, but don't really look it, because I'm extremely intelligent and learn quickly (except when it comes to math), because I'm much older than most of them and I learn better by engaging in classroom discussions, by asking a lot of questions if I'm unclear about something (what many students would consider the class ass kisser), and because I am sick, intelligent, learn quickly, go well above and beyond in all of my work, but miss a lot of class. So when I am in class, I know exactly what is going on, what we were supposed to read, learn, study. And in many cases, I may even be ahead in the required reading if a class spent longer on a lesson than expected but I wasn't there and followed the syllabus from home. I expected all of that. But what I never expected was to fight against a university administration because of my illness. Because they don't know about my disease. If they weren't familiar with how bad Chronic Lyme Disease could get or how debilitating Fibromyalgia could get, how am I supposed to expect them to deal with and understand how bad a rare autoimmune disorder can get? Part of me wants to apply to a different university that can accommodate my needs better, but after what I was told last year about how those who are chronically ill never make it through college successfully, it makes me want to fight that much harder just to prove that asshole wrong. I can't wait to see that Dean's face on graduation day. It may have been a not so subtle suggestion to get me to leave the university (except it sounded more like a threat), but what that Dean didn't realize is 1) I don't take not so subtle hints, especially when I'm a stubborn Irish/Pollock with a very clear goal in mind; 2) I sure as hell don't take threats too kindly; 3) If you tell me I can't do something because I'm a woman, , stupid, fat, sick, or anything (basically tell me I can't?) I'll die proving your ass wrong.
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