I Don't Know

    "I don't know."  "You're right." "I'm sorry."  Three phrases that are very simple, but three of the hardest phrases for most humans to say.  I can't think of anyone who is an exception to this rule.  Myself included.  Eventually, many of us sit back, reflect on our actions, and say any (or all) of these.  But there's a difference in saying them or meaning them.  Just like there are many different meanings behind those phrases.  "I'm sorry" could simply be said to get out of trouble, but not be genuine; the same could be said for "you're right."  "I don't know" could be said so that no further questions are asked, or so that someone doesn't have to look any deeper into themselves, or simply because that person just doesn't know.  "I don't know" is also the scariest of the phrases depending on the use of the phrase because there is always a lot of unanswered questions, unknown scenarios, or just plain unknowns with that phrase.  And everyone reacts differently.
     A lot of what has happened in the past few days that has had me considering those phrases and much, much more.  Insight from a friend (not entirely incorrect, either) has me thinking even more.  Yes, I do tend to think sometimes before I fully think about how to say something, or think about how to word something differently (not everything comes across a computer screen, text message, or over the phone the same way it would in a face to face conversation) that leaves a lot of room for interpretation, out of sheer habit I go on the defensive (which has always been part of who I am--many reasons I am fully aware of and have been trying to work on, but still have a long way to go, others is just because of my general nature), and I have always been that kind of person who tries to fix things.  I am also very emotional and a fighter--which can be both assets and liabilities.  When someone goes after me, I try to look at all sides of the picture.  Sometimes I know it's not personal--everyone needs an outlet because of what's going on in their own life.  They lash out at everyone.  I'm just as guilty at times.  But others, I find it hard to stay silent and fight back.  Except this last time it cost me.  And I can't take it back anymore than I can take back the repercussions of it.  I still haven't decided whether to continue my blog or not--or how often to blog, but for now, at least I'm choosing not to continue anything on my Facebook page, save check my messages now and then.
      I honestly thought I was helping people, but I guess I really wasn't.  I'm actually not sure what I was doing besides distracting myself and staying busy "re: distracted", since the only thing I can do as far as my health is concerned is to essentially sit back and wait.  I'm doing everything right at the moment there, so it's a waiting game.  So it's time to go back, look back over the past, nightmares included, and see what went wrong where.  But at least I have some examples and some perspectives to look for.