Spring Cleaning

     Every year about this time, most people go through a spring cleaning.  At least a physical spring cleaning.  You know the kind... go through the house, throw out, donate, or sell things that you bought at one point in time and the only thing it serves is to sit on a shelf, in a closet, or even in the original packaging, so this is the time of year people begin to clean out their houses.  What very few people do, though, is to take time to themselves and perform a kind of mental/life inventory.  Probably because physical  cleaning is much easier.  Basically, it's easier to get rid of physical objects than to face yourself.  Not a single person has made mistakes, done things they aren't proud of, or have built up such a superficial life that when it comes time to look inside yourself, it can be pretty scary and unsettling.
      The same thing applies to myself.  I found it pretty therapeutic to clean out one room at a time, packing things up for donation, trash, or holding on to things not because I want them, but because I know people who can use some of the stuff I no longer have use for.  Except for my books, that is.  My dream one day is to own a house with an "extra" room to be able to use as an office/library.  I've always loved books, so they are one of the very few things that I find myself being unable to get rid of.  I have countless plastic totes stored in my attic for the books I intend to keep.  I have collected and read books of all genres, from non fiction to all forms of fiction. 
      But then this year, I've decided to skip most of the physical cleaning.  Part of it is because I've been too sick to take on such enormous projects, but given a few months, more crap seems to appear.  Instead, I've decided to take time to myself, for myself, and make a moral, emotional, spiritual, and lifetime "cleaning."  It would be an understatement that at least the past year has been extremely stressful on many levels.  Yet I find myself procrastinating.  I have 2 journals:  one is this online blog, and the other is a small journal that I write in from time to time.  I don't quite know where to begin, but at least I've created a kind of outline:  take a long look into my past to compare it to today (it serves as a reminder of just how far I've come and how many obstacles I've overcome), to take a mental inventory of what I physically have, and from what I learn from the first two to begin the look inside of myself.  For some, this is relatively easy.  Some people prefer to either ignore, deny, or gloss over any mistakes or shortcomings (or convince themselves that what has happened wasn't quite how it happened or why).  These same people manage to find a spin on things that really happened, but convince themselves it wasn't as bad as it was.  I refuse to do this.  In order to see the full picture, the real picture, it takes honesty. 
        I admit I'm a bit scared of what I may find, but I'm at that point now that it HAS to be done in order to move forward.  Over the last few months I've done small changes.  I've cut a lot of negative people out of my life (including some family because if the only thing they can do is ignorantly judge me based on their own biases, as much as I still do love them, I'm tired of being the scapegoat, the failure, the target of insults, hostility, and everything else that goes along with being chronically ill on the inside, but looking healthy on the outside, the "hypochondriac,"  I wasn't left with many options.  Ever since I was a teenager, I have tried so hard to repair broken familial relationships that were blown apart through no fault of our own.  Then I realized that it's probably not even worth it.  Repairing broken relationships take more than just one person trying.  That's not to say that I still dream of having a whole family one day.  I think on many levels, most people want the same thing.  I've tried as hard as I could, but now it's time to step back.  Now is the time to focus on myself. 
       I think I may put the physical aspects of my life on hold for a little while--what I own, what is missing, the entire superficial, commercialism part of me.  I need to start with what's in my head and my heart.  Among that, fear seems to be at the top of the pond.  For years I've been ill.  Two of my doctors think they found the answer, but after increasing pain, fevers, weight gain, joints that swell for a myriad of reasons, and knowing that even right now, while I search for answers, there is nothing scarier than fighting, your own body fighting, something that has no name.  It's trying to find and reawaken that fighting part of me.  I know it won't be an easy journey, a long journey, but I now know it's a journey I have to take, no matter how painful it may be.  And I know regardless of what I find, I will be better off in the end.  And stronger for it.