Sometimes it's hard to see the big picture when so much is going on. Especially when most of it feels like my entire world is being pulled under me....again. But a few hours ago, a friend of mine posted a line from one of my favourite poems ever, "The Raven" by Edgar Allen Poe. Naturally, this started a small discussion involving quotes and the symbolism in the poem. Then just like that, I realized my best friend of over 20 years was not only right, I achieved the goals she set up for me.
About 10 years ago, I was a selfish, self absorbed, self pitying asshole. I fully admit it. I hung out with people who were bad influences because as quickly as I was making friends, I was losing them because of my illness. Only 3 are actually still around from that time--an awesome woman I am still friends with, my "sister" from the midwest, and A--, my best friend and "sister" of over 20 years. No matter what was going on, she was always there; she was there on the phone or in person regardless of what was going on in her life, but I wasn't for her. A final selfish act of mine led to a split in our friendship for months and it killed both of us, but she was right--I was being a selfish ass, I was dead in the wrong, and we (especially her) needed to stay away from each other until emotions cooled and we decided whether our friendship was worth it. She's the kind of friend and woman in my life we can go months without talking because time slips away, but we pick up exactly where we left off after a quick catch up conversation. Even if we are living crazy, hectic lives, we seem to think about each other at the same time and either she or me will send a quick text just to say hello and to let each other know we were thinking about each other. My mother has a friend like that, except they're working on over 40 years now.
It wasn't until my ex sister in law was pregnant with my nephew did I break the silence. She had been such a big part of my life, my family's life, to not let her know that "we" were going to be aunts. A few weeks later my parents held their annual picnic and she came over. We knew we had to sit down and talk, but put it off until everyone but my mom's best friend (whom A-- and I call aunt) had gone home. Then it was time to sit down and talk things out. I knew I had hurt her, I knew I was in the wrong, and I knew there was no excuse. With my mom and aunt's help, we talked through our problems and that was when the real lecturing started. I was selfish. I was self pitying. I was surrounding myself with people who were only going to keep me at their low level and I was better than that and knew it. But I was still dealing with the fallout of a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and was too self pitying to truly listen. It was that night that A-- told me she knows I'm sick, she knows I'm strong enough to get through it... that that horrible person I had become wasn't me, but I had to wake up and do something. She wanted to see me do amazing things despite my illness, be famous, make something out of myself, to prove to myself that I wasn't worthless and I could do a lot of good for a lot of people.
I may or may not still have Fibromyalgia. I'm not sure if it ever completely goes away, or just goes into remission. Now I'm up against some unnamed illness that is taking my life away, but I did what she wanted of me. She had faith in me, even then, that I could do amazing things if I put my mind to it. She supported me, stood behind me, encouraged me, and most of all believed in me. I may not be famous (yet, if ever), but I did exactly what she wanted to see me do. And I just realized tonight that I did. I had Fibromyalgia. I stopped talking to anyone who was a negative influence in my life, stopped hanging out with people who only wanted me around to make themselves feel better, and I started taking steps towards my own personal goals. I graduated with not one, but TWO Associates degrees in 2 years, never failed to make Dean's List the entire two years, I became an active member and president of not only a campus club, but a member and president of a National Honor Society's local chapter. I received multiple awards from the school for my work. And I did it all while trying to control and fight through my illness. And that gives me hope. I don't think she'll read this as she's hardly ever online, but I have a "girls day/night out" soon and I'm going to tell her and thank her for being such an amazing friend to me. And I can't wait to hear the inevitable "I told you so." After all, what are real friends for? While I have never forgotten our discussion that night (for a lot of reasons that aren't relevant here), I always kept her faith, her goals, and her support in my mind and heart. I felt like I had failed not only myself, but failed her. I wasn't looking at the big picture, just a few words of it. Now seeing the big picture, I'm not only thankful for someone like her in my life, I'm hopeful that as soon as I find out what is making me this sick and find a treatment that works as to continue my own personal goals, I did exactly what she wanted--what I wanted. And nothing will ever take that away from me. I can handle whatever comes next having realized I've already overcome the odds at just about everything I've set out to do. And I have A-- especially to thank for that.
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