It's kind of funny how an inane comment from someone can make you stop and think about things. In the past week, I got into a sort-of argument with the guy I was seeing and walked away from the whole thing. Two things that have me a bit nervous about the whole dating thing are the fact that I'm not perfectly healthy and living on disability, and the chaos that seems to be a constant in my life. I found out that neither bothered him in the slightest, nor most of the other men I've spoken to (much to my surprise), but what did throw me was the fact that he was so intimidated by my intelligence of all things. I thought that was just a high school thing. Over the past few months we'd joked about me being a geek, while he tried several times to convince me how "dumb" he is. As time went on, it became a more prevalent bone of contention. And I admit of all the things that could have been a problem and wasn't, intelligence was the last thing I ever would have thought of. Now, this doesn't mean that I'm going to dumb myself down or pretend I'm someone that I'm not, but I can't help but laugh at how arcane some men are in their thinking.
A few days later, I heard from a guy I'd lost touch with shortly before my knee surgery. After we talked for awhile and caught up on what was going on in our lives, he made a comment that threw me a bit. "Wow, things haven't gotten any easier for you, huh?" Or something to that effect. I found myself thinking about it for a bit before I responded. It's not where my life has gotten anymore difficult than usual, it's more of a new set of challenges. While it definitely has its moments, it's just life. I've learned to take things as they come, go on a kind of autopilot, and deal with the rest later. Most of the time whatever is going on isn't something I can control or change. The only thing I can change is how I react to and deal with things. Yes, I've gotten angry at times, but I've also managed to insert humor (even as twisted as it can be at times) into all of it. I also came to a few pretty big realizations.... above everything else, I HAVE to find time to take care of myself; just popping vitamins every day isn't going to get or keep me healthy. I find that as exhausting and wearing it is to be up at 4am three days a week to take my mom to dialysis, it also creates the perfect time to work out. I've returned to yoga during that short period between when I come home and before I have to head back out to pick her up. It's at least a start, but I know I need to do more. I can't deal with my family, school, and everything else if I'm not taking care of me. The end result is I'm sicker than ever and have to go in for more labs to hopefully find some answers. Now the challenge is figuring out a way to work on the balancing act. Another realization came in how I deal with stressors. I learned years ago to just shut my emotions off to get through each day when things get particularly difficult. From this comes a handful of results--I'm a bit more prone to snapping at the people closest to me, yes, I get through each day, but I never actually deal with the emotional side of what's going on. I push it aside and tell myself I'll deal with that later, but it never happens. What does happen, though, is there is only so much a person can bury before everything comes out. It's almost never a convenient time or place, but there it is. That hasn't happened to me this time... yet. Something else to work on.
Usually, winter is cold, dead, dreary, and overall depressing. Except when there's just enough snow to make everything look pretty. It's a time to basically go into hibernation, go through the motions of every day, and wait for longer, warmer days. Spring is the time for regrowth, renewed energy, and the start of changes. As we're in the 50s for most of this week, it almost seems as if spring has come early, so what better time to start growing some more than now, right?
Life is a series of trials and never ending lessons. Some people realize this while others spend almost their entire lives convincing themselves and others that there isn't anything to learn, everything is perfect, and nothing is ever wrong. Personally, I'd rather crash a few times, accept things for what they are, be happy with the tiny little blessings that can be found if you look hard enough, and never stop learning. But that's just me. Is life easy? No. But that doesn't mean that it's unmanageable or horrible, either. It's just a matter of finding a way of making it better whenever/however possible, even if it's something small. So, for today, I'm going to take my daily motivational quote's advice and take the day off. It's still early enough to find something to do that I haven't in ages.
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