Frustration

     So I fell about 3 weeks ago going to give the dog a treat.  I stepped the wrong way and my knee gave out.  Again.  So it was swollen and bruised for almost a week and I knew it was time to call the Ortho.  Again.  The past few days I can barely climb the steps in my front yard to get to my car.  It has felt like there is no cushioning at all throughout the entire joint.  I JUST had surgery for torn menisuces (sp?) just under 2 years ago.  Even with the complications following, physical therapy, etc etc etc, it's never been the same.  I expected the usual drill this morning/afternoon--careful what you do, it's just arthritis aggravated by twisting it, blah blah blah.  After a 10 minute examination of the knee I was far from prepared for what I heard.  I need surgery--again.  Even without an MRI (which my wonderful insurance company refuses to cover because the knee was "fixed" 2 years ago and I've had 3 MRIs before and after surgery, deeming it "unnecessary" it became very clear that once again, I tore the meniscus at the very least.  One day into the semester and already there's a problem.  I'm going to work closely with my surgeon to try to put off the now required surgery until May.  After the school year is over.  This means a very strict diet, very restricted exercise, cortisone injections, anti-inflammatory patches, and for the next two weeks I am to remain in an immobilizer using crutches during waking hours.  The next 24-48 hours to stay off my feet as much as possible.  It's only been 5 hours and I'm climbing the walls.  Getting in and out of my car with that stupid contraption on my leg is almost impossible and trying to go to the bathroom is in itself a comedic series of just plain insanity.  

     Contrary to popular belief, even with the chronic illnesses I have, I do NOT "lay on my ass in bed all day, every day popping pain killers like candy crying 'why me' and collecting government money that others have paid into."  No, I can't work right now, but I do a helluva lot during the course of a day and week.  Very little time is spent in my bed as it's spent not only trying one thing after another to feel better, but taking care of others and their problems.  Besides that, I EARNED my checks.  I have paid into the system since I was 12 years old.  And I am doing everything in my power and then some to return to the workforce as soon as I can.  Got a problem with who I am, what I do, and what I say, you can take your perfect prozac life, your inaccurate, idle gossip and shove it so far up your arses you choke on it.  

     So yes, I'm frustrated.  And angry.  I've been busting my butt trying to start over in a new career and every damned semester there's been one (or more) huge thing after another that's tried to keep me from continuing.  First semester:  cluster headaches; Second semester: Lyme Disease--again.  Third semester was a medical screw up and Lyme Disease (yes, again).  Third semester was dealing with an abusive scumbag while my bigger scumbag of a boyfriend was deployed, a screwed up knee requiring surgery months earlier than scheduled, complications that kept me off campus for 8 weeks instead of 1/2, my mother ended up in the hospital again because her kidneys had finally shut down, and my fourth and final semester was spent still dealing with a knee (as I was given another cortisone injection a week before graduation.  Not one "easy" semester.  Hell, the easy part was the work.  My first year at a 4 year school wasn't without problems.  My scumbag ex gave me Epstein-Barr which caused not only extreme fatigue and pain, but kept my liver from functioning even close to what it should.  So 4 beers, 1 shot and 9 hours later, I'm freaking out in an emergency room in bumblefuck nowhere with butchers trying to close a gaping wound in what was my good knee.  Combined with EBV, I was forced to withdraw.  A wicked winter causing near crippling arthritis in combination with an as yet diagnosed EBV forced a withdrawal from 3 out of 6 courses in the spring.  This semester?  A blown out knee and surgery looming over the horizon.  

     I try to find the positive side regardless of what's going on, but seriously, there's only so much a person can take at a time.  And I will never be one of those Prozac people--smile, laugh, refuse to acknowledge anything is wrong while sweeping the bad under the rug.  I've found the best way to deal is to admit yes, there's a problem, find an upside to it, decide what, if anything can be done to fix it, and go from there.  I've survived this long and made it this far and there isn't a chance in hell another obstacle is going to stand in my way, regardless of how frustratingly huge it is.