So here it is, almost 2 days before Christmas. My shopping and wrapping has been done for weeks now, decorations up (still trying to find ways to get the mutt to stay out of the tree), and retain what little sanity I feel I have left. I'm still cleaning stuff out of the house, a project that didn't seem that huge when I started, but 15 boxes for donation and counting, countless trash bags filled and thrown out, and it barely looks like I did anything in the room I started in. But I will admit this... pain aside from overdoing it, it feels almost therapeutic. Out with the old, the neglected, memories that mean nothing anymore, and a chance at a fresh start once it's done. It's not without its difficulties, though. The physical part of cleaning out an entire storage room full of 20 years of crap isn't easy, even in the best of health. It's some of the memories that are uncovered that make you stop for a moment, reflect, and wonder what the hell happened? I won't even open a photo album, envelope of pictures, or anything containing photos. Those are just being put on a shelf unorganized. I just don't have the heart to look.
There was talk by meteorologists a few days ago that we may have gotten hammered by a Nor'Easter Christmas Eve/Christmas day. Now, the chances are less than 2%. I was hoping for a storm, a white Christmas, a way to just pretend Sunday is just another day. It's just not Christmas this year. I was angry as hell when my father left a few months ago, leaving me to pick up all of the slack around the house while he "figured things out." I was the one who saw the pain it caused my mother as we learned one thing after another. If it wasn't for some beyond amazing friends and a trusted loved one, I don't know where I'd be right now. At first, it was hard to separate their marriage from my life. I was just as angry at his leaving as I was at everything that happened prior to and just after his leaving. In time, I came to realize that no matter what, he is still my father. Always has been, always will be. Like every other human, he has flaws. None of us are perfect. None. It hurt like hell on Thanksgiving to not have him there, standing around with my uncle and cousins, frying a turkey and throwing back a few beers. It was the hardest thing to pretend that everything was normal, like he was just home with a cold or something. I just wanted to run out the door, get in my car, and just keep driving. Then my brother shows up late and actually asked my mother where my dad was, like nothing at all had been going on. To this day, he still has no clue. I decided on Black Friday that I wanted to see my dad on Christmas. The problem is, my mother can't drive and there is no one close to us to bring her to my aunts house. Except my brother. I spoke to a close family member to ask for advice, and she suggested calling my uncle who lives at least 2 hours from here to see if he could pick my mom up. That would mean he would spend over 7 hours driving on Christmas day and I just couldn't do that. Then I realized that my brother spends time on Christmas at his mother-in-law's house, which is about 20 minutes away. So I broke down and called him. I mean, after all, last I knew, my mother has 2 children who are adults with valid drivers' licenses and vehicles. I was told "maybe, I have to find out what's going on with her (his wife) mother..." and a poor me story about how poor they are, how they barely ever have even gas in the car come payday. Which I found rather sad, considering how much time my sister in law spends going out to breakfast, lunch, dinners, shopping, etc. etc. etc. I can believe they don't have the money when it's being spent on crap. In my household? We have about $30 a week to pay for groceries by the time the bills are paid.. electric, insurance, phone, fuel, medical... expenses that just can't be ignored. But we did put money aside over time to buy gifts for the kids. After all, it's the kids and family that matter, right? Well, apparently I was wrong.
In typical style, my brother (after the whole blow out and finding out that the entire family had seen everything going on on Facebook and well, I didn't quite look like the "asshole" he claimed I was, decided that he wasn't even going to tell my mom he wasn't coming to Christmas dinner. It seems that with his fancy 18 month education, managerial job, 4 kids, wife, living rent free in his father in law's house, he's just too good for our family now. We're nothing but disposable trash. I can't describe the look on my mother's face when she found out he wasn't going and once again, she wasn't going to see the kids. She saw the insults about our housekeeping, the theory of why my dad went back to drinking (which the person who said it obviously didn't take into consideration that she can't work, drive, many days, can barely have a "normal" day, and won't until she gets a transplant--at LEAST 10 years away), so it comes down to what always happens. Hide. Play the righteous victim in all of it, but pretend nothing is going on because someone else will clean up the mess or forget about it. Some things are easy to blow off, forget, forgive, move on. But not this time. It's easy to be brave when you're sitting on the other side of a computer screen or phone receiver, but words still hurt. I can handle being hurt, I've been through enough to know that no matter what is thrown at me, one way or another, I'll come through the other side stronger for it. But what I can't handle is seeing the pain on my mother's face as she literally watches everything fall apart in front of her face. It is not our place as humans to judge others. There is no excuse for ignorance, cruelty, and after a certain age, immaturity. And there sure as hell no excuse to use kids as pawns to hurt someone even more than they already hurt. Sometimes, it's easy to just label someone, to hide from the truth, but sometimes if you actually talk to a person, do a little research into what they're saying, everyone is the better for it. Yeah. Merry Fucking Christmas. Some things just aren't worth trying for anymore.
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