So Christmas has come and gone and there's less than a week before the end of this year. Finally. In general, the holidays are stressful even under the best of circumstances. There's always that one gift you forgot to buy, climbing up and down the stairs to either the basement or attic to pull out the decorations, try to get the decorations up as quickly and nicely as possible so that there's time to sit and actually enjoy them, random strands of lights that only half work for seemingly no reason, and at least in this house, keeping the dog from stealing ornaments off of the tree. Then there's the cooking, the baking, the cleaning, the wrapping, the last minute planning. It's a lot to do in a pretty short time. And, of course, who can forget the extended family and all that driving. By dinnertime yesterday, I was ready for bed. Hell, I was ready to curl up in a pair of sweats, curl up and read all day. My mother wasn't much better.
Christmas has been one of those bittersweet holidays for years. Growing up, we used to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve with the entire family--no exceptions. My Babci would single-handedly prepare a huge traditional Polish feast, with a few extra meals as the family grew. From homemade pierogies to white fish baked in a tomato topping, eventually ziti, meatballs, and a few other non-traditional dishes for the pickier eaters in the family. She'd spend the entire morning preparing and making all of it. When it was time for her to move into an apartment, the tradition was carried out at my grandparents house, complete with the breaking of the bread and Santa Claus driving around the neighborhood on top of a firetruck. Christmas day was spent with the immediate family and was very much laid back. Since her passing, we now celebrate the holiday on Christmas. Both meals have been combined and overall it's still pretty laid back and comfortable. At least until this year.
A few days before Christmas, my mother found out second-hand that her son wasn't going to be with our family. He and his wife were asked specifically on Thanksgiving whether or not they would be there for Christmas and if my nephew would be with them, so she knew how much to buy for the feast. (Our family tends to make enough food to feed half the state at any given meal, but are slowly getting better at scaling back). He never even called my aunt to let her know that he had changed his mind. According to what he told my father, he was going to spend a quiet Christmas at home with the kids--no driving, no stress, just a laid back, relaxed holiday at home. That and he didn't want to deal with the possibility of the fall out from a serious, childish argument that most of the family saw played out online. He even went as far as to say he was glad they saw it because my family would see me as being/acting as an asshole. And in no uncertain terms, both he and his wife made it very clear that I was to no longer have any part in their lives. In many ways, I'm perfectly fine with that. I no longer have to bite my tongue at backhanded compliments, petty insults, and always the inevitable explosion over nothing. I've dealt with it for at least the past 3 years and regardless of who was at fault, extended an olive branch just to keep up some form of family unity.
I did get to see my dad on Christmas, though. He came over in the morning to exchange gifts and stay for breakfast. If it wasn't for the fact that he went back to his apartment, it almost felt like a normal Christmas morning. My aunt decided to serve dinner earlier this year, so that we'd be home relatively early. Eventually, my mother and I got motivated to get up and get ready, packed up the gifts we needed, and headed down there. That's when we learned that my grandmother (again) was pretty sick that morning and they would be late, if they made it at all. She wasn't contagiously sick, but had problems with her balance and getting her blood pressure under control. They made it just after appetizers were served. My aunt had asked mom if she had heard from her son and found out that he wasn't coming down. He didn't even have the courtesy to take one minute out of his staycation to call. I'd say pissed is a pretty good word, but she held herself together, refusing to allow such rudeness and selfishness to ruin the day. It was seeing my grandmother's reaction to the news that stung. She couldn't wait to see her great grandkids (especially since all of them were together this year) and made a few remarks about the argument that had happened and the lack of decency to even make a call.
Getting through a holiday with the family pretending everything is fine and under control is difficult enough. Neither my mother nor I were really feeling that great, my family is worried sick about how both of us are dealing with the recent changes (namely, my father moving out), and did their best to try not to say or do something to upset us any further since they knew our moods and demeanors were nothing more than paper thin masks. Everything was aching and throbbing by the time we were ready to leave. Since my nephew is supposed to come up this week and may not be here for next Christmas (as his parents switch every year who has him for Christmas), I was handed his gifts. Then I was handed my nieces' gifts. I asked my aunt to hold on to them and have my brother come down with the girls since he said he'd be there, but she would hear none of it. "Keep them, throw them out, donate them, I don't care... just get them out of my house" was among a few of the comments made regarding his absence. So into my car they went, and into the closet they went when we got home.
After we got home, we discovered the lie of "spending a quiet, relaxed Christmas at home." Like with everything else, they spent the day at his mother in law's house celebrating the holiday. And once again, my family was nothing more than an inconvenience, an obligation, and an unwanted accommodation. Part of me felt that even though I came across as anything but the asshole he assumed I'd look like to the family, I was also livid and hurt. I could care less if I don't ever see or hear from them again (including their multiple online personas), but seeing the stress and especially the pain it's causing my family and knowing how hurt my nieces are going to be growing up knowing only half their family because for whatever reason my family, HIS family, just aren't good enough. It sickens me to see the pain on my mother's face since she can't even watch them grow up on Facebook, since she was deleted because other family members use her page for the same reason. I'm sure the kids will hear a myriad of lies, fairy tales, and excuses, but taking away the chance to get to know where their father came from is just inexcusable. Especially since there is a chance one of my family members may not have many Christmases left to celebrate. My family is just like most families. We've had our share of problems, highs, lows, and difficulties, but like any true family, we've always come together when it matters the most. To see them treated the way they were, one would think that my family contains multiple drug addicts and alcoholics, live out of run down shacks or trailers, have absolutely no tact, class, or manners, and seem like we all were raised in the wild.
I can't help but reflect on everything I've done to help. How many detentions and suspensions I was given growing up defending him, how I was always there when he needed help because the car broke down, forgot to pay a ticket, car accidents, needed someone to watch his son because he was working full time and attending school full time, all of it. Everytime I was needed, I dropped everything to be there. That's what families do. That's what a family is. And I wasn't the only one in the family there. All of us were. And just like every other human being, we've made our mistakes. Yet this is how we are treated. It's more than sad, it's despicable.
But overall, I would say that both my mother and I have handled the stress this year far better than anyone thought we could. It's days like today that the full weight of the stresses begins to manifest physically. The pain, the exhaustion, just the sheer weight of it all begins to hit. So we just took a day to rest and prepare to begin again in the morning.
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