So yes, it's been awhile. (It shows a post on 18 October, but I don't remember posting anything last month.) I shouldn't be surprised at the memory lapse, though. The entire month of October seemed to be one giant blur, with days blending into days, blending into weeks until it came time to take my sis to the airport. While I miss her already and am glad she made it home safe, I do admit that a small part of me is thankful to have my room and privacy back. There's nothing like spending a month on the couch in the living room, with your mother in the next room at night, your sis down in your room, and nothing but the hamster to keep you company at night. Not that she's much company, I've literally listened to her running in her wheel for 5-8 hours on end, with only a handful of few second stops to either grab a drink, piece of food, or when she lost her ribbon. I am sorry that it's too cold to bring her outside now, since she does love it when I take the bottom of her cage off and let her run around on the front lawn. I wanted to bring her out a few weeks ago after my brother mowed the lawn (which I am incredibly grateful for), but it was still too chilly and damp.
I'm surprised any of us survived the month. I'm almost completely off crutches by now, but have to use a cane. (at least this one isn't as hideous as the last, but still.. I'm in my 30s having to walk around with a cane) Between being stuck on the couch for a month with what was literally a front row seat to everything that went on and percocet, I'd say "bitchy" was a bit of an understatement at times. I'd spend days arguing over the television (both my mom and my sis are Food Network junkies and hate isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about that channel and 99.9% of it's shows. Halloween Wars was kinda cool, but that was about it), listening to my parakeets fighting almost incessantly all day, every day, and what seemed like just constant noise. I did however accidentally train the furry little demon to bark first to warn the 'keets, then pounce on their cage if they didn't stop fighting. I even cursed out a neighbor one Saturday morning. I thought it was a different neighbor who likes to do obnoxious things at odd hours of the day and night (in this case, setting off firecrackers at 10am on a Saturday morning). Turns out it was another neighbor training his dogs for hunting season. Every year, he starts out by letting them get used to the sound of gunshot by firing off a starter's pistol. It sounded the same to me, but the exchange got ugly. In the end, everything turned out fine.
Even with a month that went by entirely too fast, I'm still trying to deal with all that's happened. Hopefully I'll be back on campus either next week or the following week. I've been trying to keep up with the work when I can (in other words, when I'm not on pain medication) and my professors are fine with that. I'm registered for the spring semester already and found out that unless something should happen, I will finish my degree in the spring of 2013. A year later than expected, but it will be done. Then it's on to graduate school. I'm trying to make as many payments as possible now on my school loans to pay them down and pay the interest as I go along, but I wish I could pay more each month.
This past month brought a lot of serious changes and being stuck on the couch, a lot of internal reflection. Two family members died within a week of each other--one was another uncle, the other a great aunt. I'm still learning more about how sick my grandmother is, making sure that my mother has the help and support she needs as she needs yet another surgery, with another sometime in the future to fix nerve damage from her shoulder catheter. To say I feel overwhelmed would be an understatement. Even when I do not need pain medication, even motrin, I'm finding myself unable to do much because I just don't know where or how to start. The good thing about being busy is you don't have time to process all that is happening. The downside is when things start to calm down, it's not like when things happen, they happen at different times, sometimes even weeks apart, but it hits you all at once.
It's easy to say to just take things a day at a time, even when it's the only thing you CAN do, but another thing to try to do so. With so much happening and so much to do, it's easy to shut down. I'll be the first to admit that my longtime friend depression is not only still around, but it seems to be choking me with it's black cloud lately. Everything seems to either make me cry, or I swing to the opposite end to keep from crying and lash out at anything and anyone. But for now, I'm looking for and clinging to even the tiniest bit of goodness that I find. Whether it's slowly mending fences with those with whom I've had falling outs with (even if I have no idea why), to earning As on all of my schoolwork, to the small things people around me are doing to help. Sometimes, that's all you can do. I don't have all the answers, don't pretend to, and I sure as hell have no idea what is really going on most of the time with people who say one thing, but act in a completely different way. Lately, I guess the best way to put it is I just feel frozen in some kind of vortex with no real way out. I believe everyone, no matter how hurtful and destructive they are, deserve at least a little bit of happiness and peace. I also believe in atoning for your own mistakes, starting with admitting you made them. I've made my fair share of mistakes and I'm slowly working on making up for them. I just want peace. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask for. 11 years ago, while on her death bed, my great grandmother made me promise that no matter what I chose to do in life to be happy. And I'm trying. Everything takes time.
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