Running Into Walls

     No, not literally.  Unless you count the fire extinguisher incident.  Don't ask, but no one was injured.  Not even the fire extinguisher, the bracket, or the wall.  Metaphorically speaking I'm running into walls.  I usually blog several times a week, read at least one of my magazines (I'm still several weeks behind), and read at least one book--usually two or more.  That's excluding the random cleaning, cleansing, and organizing sprees, creative projects, and online stuff.  Lately?  Nothing.  Unless you count the boring, mature, required grown up stuff.  Basic cleaning, grooming, bills, schedules, making tough choices.. but that's about it. 
      I have no idea why.  I have lived with severe depression for so long,  I honestly don't know a time that I wasn't depressed.  Grade school, high school... it's just always been a part of my life.  Medication never worked.  It always made it worse--some even led to suicide attempts.  After trying all but maybe two on the market (and refusing medications that require frequent and regular blood tests to make sure they're not frying my organs or otherwise killing me and/or have "serious weight gain" as the #1 side effect) I gave up and accepted this as part of life.  Until I was put on an anti seizure medication to control complex migraines and noticed that while I still deal with some depression, it eases it considerably.  Which is why I know (mostly) that I'm not really depressed.  So I don't understand why I'm running into walls. 
     I'm in the middle of reading 3 books right now.  It's not uncommon for me to read several books at the same time.  Depending on my mood depends on which book I'll pick up at the time.  I'm reading "The Prince & The Art of War" by Machiavelli, a historical book about Islamic Martyrs, and "The Burly Man" by Zachary Lewis, a biography by a health activist I know online who talks about his journey from a normal and healthy life, getting sick, and finding out he has not one, but two autoimmune diseases.  None of them are books that would take more than a week to finish--I'm on a month and counting.  My art?  Still staring at blank pages.  I find myself doing a lot of pacing.  I'm restless.  I'm not online much anymore because I'm not sure what to say.  Then there's my typical go-to feel better cure--shopping.  I couldn't be bothered.  Oddly enough?  I'm reasoning with myself as to why I shouldn't shop.  I'm trying to clean the house out and de-clutter it, so why would I buy more crap?  When the hell did I grow up?  Yet I don't feel depressed.  I don't feel sad, hopeless..
      If this is a depression, this is definitely new to me.  Granted, I am feeling a bit lost.  Normally by now I'd be complaining about the price of textbooks and preparing for the fall semester.  But I decided to remain on a medical leave of absence at least until the end of the year.  I don't know if the medications are going to help, or if I'm going to have to change treatments. So far, the constant low grade fever is going down, the constant joint swelling is a bit less during the day, but the joint pain is still getting worse and at night I seem to blow up again.  I also don't know how the Imuran is going to affect me in the long run (5 pages of warnings and precautions and all, not to mention lab tests and such).  I'm less than a month in and I already have bronchitis.  So does that mean I'm going to be spending a lot of time at my doctor's office constantly sick? There's so many unknowns and so many changes that maybe that's why I find myself running into walls every time I turn around.  But hey, I haven't injured myself yet so that's a start, right?