It's no secret that I've been stressed out and pushed to my limits lately. One of my best friends will be here tomorrow for about a month to help me after another knee surgery in just under 2 days from now. My days start early, they end late, and I feel like I'm in constant motion taking care of one thing or another. A lot has happened in the past month that would probably drive anyone past their breaking point, but I'm still here and I'm still standing. (sort of, considering my knee) I have also learned some very valuable lessons when it comes to who is in my life and who no longer is.
I'm glad to have begun the process of mending fences with some family members with whom a series of simple misunderstandings have led to arguing, more stress, pain, and alienation. It's no secret in life that you learn very quickly when things go very wrong who your true friends are. I always seemed to have a knack of choosing the wrong people overall to be in my life. The kind of people that as long as you're doing what they want, like, act, etc. they act like they're your closest friends. The moment you step outside their lines, you become an outcast at best, an enemy at worst. Over the past few years I like to think that I have gotten better at it and I have. Now the past month or so, I have made my circle of friends even smaller. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I am certainly no exception. Given what's been going on (most of which is not my tale to tell), I made an incorrect assumption about a situation and got angry at someone. I said some things that I shouldn't have said (who hasn't?) and when I realized my mistake, I admitted it and apologized. I was greeted with silence. Technically, I don't exist to this person anymore. It's not the first time this has happened, but the difference now is I just don't care. I screwed up, owned up to it, apologized, tried to make up for it, and was met with a "fuck her." I have some amazing friends in my life, so finding out that one I thought was isn't just makes my life that much simpler. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt. Anytime you trust someone and discover that you're that disposable in their life hurts.
Another so-called "friend" seems to see fit to gossip about things he/she not only knows almost nothing about, but is absolutely none of his/her business in the first place. Small towns tend to breed small minds and big mouths. Again, even though it hurts, I'm relieved to know who is worth my time and energy in life. As painful as these lessons can be, the bright side is you learn who is worth your trust and time and who isn't. I would be happier having 3 people who are true friends than 300 that I can't trust, or the kind of person who does nothing but try to keep you down in order to make yourself feel better. I am who I am, will always be, will never pretend to be something I'm not in order to "fit in." If you don't like that, that's fine by me. I can devote my energy and heart to those who really deserve it, so when you think about it that way--they're actually doing me a favor.
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